it has been a little over a month now since you died. wow I thought it might get a little easier. well, it hasn't. yes, the nights aren't up every two hours to medicate and make sure you are dry. no, I don't have to turn you and make sure that your mouth is clear and you can breathe. no, no more pills to swallow, no more morphine to give, no more ativan or valiums when you have seizures. nomore MRI trips or drives to LA, but dammit there aren't any more laughs or clicks of the wheel chair or you bellowing out for me or cuddles or kisses or snoring or i love yous or you. i am not happy. i am so lonely my heart hurts. my days are empty, my soul is lost. i have never felt this emptiness in my self before.

you dying has been the worst experience i have ever had in my life. it is as i have died too. i go places and do things and chase your mom around, i take her places and see the ocean, go to the store do the mundane tasks of living but it is NOT the same.

i am totally lost. bills aren't getting paid, life is chaos. I worry about everything still, your ocd wife is freaking out about the finances, how to cover all the bills that need to be paid. HOW DO I DO THIS DENNIS??? Everyone says don't worry it will work out, but I am not so sure about the how it will get done.

your kids have done the abandoning of the ship. oh they would be a part of my life after you left. hell they complained about your memorial service. they haven't been around since you passed. flew the coop. Only your little Britney. God she is so good. 

I miss you more than I ever thought I could. Or would. My heart aches for you. I cry for you at night. Sleep comes and goes, but it isn't the same. 

ha I looked online today at dating/match sites and YUCK. I cannot imagine EVER dating another man ever in my life. YUCK YUCK YUCK. no one can ever replace you, or even come close. I see these faces and think faker faker faker youa re all creeps and never ever could you ever replace my wonderful old curmudgeon, my love my DEW. So there is a truth I know. No one can ever hold a candle to you. 

I see your photo flit through the screen here on the computer and I cry. I want to hear your voice, see your smile feel your breath. Hearing your last breath and heartbeat means I cannot ever see you here again. I hold fast to the hope and truth that I WILL see you again and be with you again in the next part of this existence, but oh it isn't fast enough for me. I am not going to do anything stupid, don't think of that, but my time moves too slowly here. I want to be with YOU.

I miss you my darling Dennis, I miss you so much it hurts.

I may lose the house, I may lose everything. I don't know what to do. I am holding on to hope but going a little more crazy in the wait.

I wish you were here to tell me it will all work out and be okay, but you aren't so I am unsure. You always made the worst seem manageable,yet now I don't know.

Little signs are coming through, people tell me they feel YOU surrounding me, but maybe i am just numb still. every day I feel more sad, more lost more alone. I don't want anything but you. I need you like the earth needs the sun, the moon needs the stars. Dennis, I am so lost without you- you are my rock, my heartbeat, my breath. How am I going to do this without you?

I love you madly deeply forever more.

always forever and one day more-
Evan

Life Changes

My last post was July 28. Wow a lot of things have happened since then. I usually whine about my children and my life. I should have been more grateful.

Dennis came home from the hospital and things went south. He passed from his mortal body into the Great Mystery on August 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm. My head was on his chest, my arms around him when he took his last breath, and his heart took it last beat. How I miss my husband. I miss him snoring. I miss the clicking of his wheelchair. I miss him barking at the dogs, whistling to them, making coffee, griping at the remote.

I miss dealing with the damn cancer even. I long for his scent, his voice, just him. My house is unusually quiet. Everyone has left now. The Celebration of Life last night was beautiful. I spoke about our journey together, and how he touched my life and together our how we grew in love and fought through the muck and mud together.

I wish I could see him now, all energy and light, I wish I could see his gait in the great beyond. No limp from arthritic knees, no pain from any ailment he held. He can climb those mountains without being in pain, fish in every stream and laugh at every babble of the brook. Sunsets and sunrises are beyond compare and he can see them without glasses, and there are no headaches or limitations. I just so miss him, and look forward to the day we are together again.

I just wonder how I am going to go through all this widowhood stuff. Lawyers, paperwork, death certificates, moving assets, trustee names, all the things that are on the list in the little notebook. I cannot fathom all this. I think we should have done this six months ago. Ah even as an ill adult you think you are invincible. Whoops.

I had a circle of friends swoop in after Dennis died to be my comfort my shield from everything that wasn't good, from people I couldn't face in my grief. My shield left tonight and now I have to stand on my own two feet and I still feel wobbly and afraid. Like a foal new to the world, I am weak and looking for my protection but it is gone and I am here to fend for myself. My children are here to help, but there is no one I connect with on such a level as my sweet husband. No one who can look into my eyes and see my soul. My friends understood my pain, they could connect with my scattered brain, my confusion and grief. Now I have to face that without their hand to hold shoulder to cry on, chest to cave into.

This is harder than I imagined. I know I won't linger in the sadness forever, but right now it feels like it will never end, and the headache I have will just continue for always.

My heart feels like it beats hollow, without reason, without a song. It does beat, for my children, to watch them reach their life long goals and dreams, for my grandchild, to hear her say gama, for my mother in law, to help her face this too, and for my husband because he wouldn't want me to be this sad. But right now I hurt and I long for his breath, his touch, and that smile.

Time for sleep, so I may face another day to carry on and take care of this journey and another step in the road called life.

what a month almost two since the last post. ugh.

New news. Wait that is an weird comment in itself. old news would be an oxymoron.

last mri showed exponential growth of the GBM in hubby's head. no more treatments available as the growth is diffuse and ALL over the left hemisphere now, filling the screen with a white cloud where the brain is. HOLY CRAP. But wait there is more! the little corpus callosum? where the joining of both hemispheres of the brain connect? yep, right there, well it has lights too. hey and over there on the right side, yeah over there BIG patches of diffuse color. Oh no........... the cancer crossed mid line and now what~! Last ditch effort to save a brain and the person who goes with it. Hmm that was all on July 11. So new round of chemo and thalidomide also. My head spun- THALIDOMIDE? ISN'T THAT THE STUFF THAT CAUSED NASTY BIRTH DEFECTS IN THOSE INNOCENT BABIES? WHY WOULD YOU GIVE THAT TO A PERSON FOR ANYTHING?!?!?!  So the oncologist explained, hubby said go for it! 2 days later after chemo and starting Thalomid he has a major seizure and then we can't rouse him, so hi ho hi ho off to the ER we go. 6 days later we are back home. He seems fine, just rotten coordination and no use of his right side. It takes just 4 more days before GBM grabs a hold and tears my husband away from us again. Now hospice has been called. So no more full code resuscitation's. No more life saving measures. Just comfort and the peace in passing on, away.


He was ready to go on Wednesday. Then he rallied, now limbo man. My brain is all mush from all of this.
It is early and I had zero in the sleep department.

Time for a nap and it is barely 8 o'clock. scratch that. Hubs is coughing up phlegm. Off to nursing 101.

peace and love world, peace and love

A Mother's Frustration...

I guess I am frustrated. Wait I know I am frustrated. God does work miracles, Sean is alive. Cameron is alive. I am alive.

Me, I am not supposed to be here. Two months early and feet first. Well the doctors told mom, she will be small weak and not "normal" as a person. At least they got the last part right. HA!

Sean was easy. I thought he was part elephant, that I was going to pregnant forever and ever but he was just a regular baby- until his 19th birthday- then a few months before he started passing out. Cold. No rhyme or reason. Finally after two syncope episodes while we were in Colorado I made him go to the emergency room. It was a year to the day that my mother went to the hospital and she died six months later. Well, after they whisked him off to the cardiac unit of the emergency room and I was shoved into a corner it seemed like he would be joining her. But Thanks to the good Lord, he had excellent doctors who figured out he had a rare incurable lung disease, Pulmonary Hypertension. Look that one up.  Without treatment he had six months to two years to live. I thank God he decided treatment. He is still here! Almost ten years later and he is going to medical school this fall!

Cameron. That was another fun pregnancy. I thought he was a Chelsea, not a Cameron. Then he decides he wants to stir it up a bit and ends up coming too early, and spends a few weeks in the NICU, with a rocky start. Now he is twenty-three, married with a beautiful daughter and wife.

Why a frustrated mother? Well, I think I held on too tightly and now my fledglings have grown into beautiful birds who won't leave the nest. They think they OWN the nest but they don't want nest responsibilities. It is difficult and heart wrenching. IF they go, I hurt, if they stay I hurt. Damn, life is complicated. I guess I am co-dependent. OR too Much of a mother hen, so I am trying to disconnect and they are freaking out. I am too cold, too mean too not me in their opinion.

I want a life outside of them, but I am a caregiver to my husband who has brain cancer now, and his mother, who has dementia. I am a wee bit tired. All these people live under one roof, we all live together and I am the one who tries to keep the house clean, pays the bills, does the chores and I am plain out tired. Frustrated, angry, and mad. WHERE IS MY TIME? 

I guess it is too much to ask for because I have always been the one to do everything. Then I get harassed because I am not doing it ALL. I hear snide remarks- what are YOU going to do when dad dies? Sleep without tossing and turning all night I hope. Not panic if there is a strange noise. Sell the house, move into someplace smaller where I can manage it without having to clean up after 6 other people. It will just be my mother-in-law and myself. And two dogs. I won't be a mother of five dogs- just two. 

Then the kids will call me selfish. It seems to be a no win situation. Heck this doesn't even include the opinions of my husband's children who have flat out refused to care for THEIR grandmother so Dennis and I can take a simple five day trip as a bucket list item without his mother. Their comment, "It is TOO hard to take care of her, she has dementia. What will we do?"  Oh heck think of something, like talk to her, take her to her childhood home, walk around Capistrano, ask her about growing up there, see a movie with her, enjoy her, she is 93 years old. People don't live forever- spend a little time with her.  Am I selfish for wanting time alone with my husband before he can't speak? He can no longer walk or use his right hand, he can't care for himself independently, give us just one week where we don't have to listen to what about MEEEEEEEEEE from our offspring!

I love my children. I would step in front of a gun for them. I would lay down and gladly die for them. But I also know I need a break from them, and all the stress and drama in our lives so I can gladly care and love them. I have caregiver burn out. I just need some respite.

God let me be here, God will get me through this, but boy oh boy I need a little bit of a chance to do this all.

I know there are silver lining behind dark clouds. They're so dark though right now I need some sunshine to peel back the darkness!

Peace and Love to You and thank you God for my life.

Today I am upset. I was upset on Mother's day too. Today I am upset about everything. I guess I am pissed that the world is a crappy place. I know that I am supposed to wake up and say, hello world, what lovely day, it is a great day to be alive! But I just don't have it in me to say or feel that lately. I wanted to go to conference to see my son receive an award I nominated him for. He receives it whether I go or not. But I want to SEE it happen. Seems like none of my husband's children want to care for their grandmother for 5 days so I can do that. Fricken selfish human beings! WHY CAN'T that happen?!?!?!?! 

My youngest son is selfish. Inconsiderate and I just am so over him. he is ridiculous. I hate the fact he has grown up to this. Why can't he be something real? Something else instead of a no account lay about? Gosh he has so much potential? Why can't he see it in himself? Why does he expect the world to come to him? Why does he and most people his age have this expectation of entitlement? WHO TAUGHT THEM THIS????? Did I do this? If so somebody slap the stupid right out of me PLEASE! I sit and cry or sleep so I don't have to deal with the world. Doesn't work. When I am done crying or wake up, it is still there. Dammit why? Just doesn't seems right. I am so PollyAnna. Always looking to the bright side and so upset when it isn't bright. I just cannot comprehend the dark, it just is so dark, yet i have such dark in me that it should be understandable, but I can't see it in my head that the world has such darkness. I don't understand the evil in the world either. Why do people do such horrible things to each other? Such media sensation, such stupidity. There are times I want the "old fashioned" world to step back in and the Weavers from Leave it to Beaver to take over, but TV is part of the problem. People don't think for themselves, they think whatever television tells them. They don't read any more they watch television or talk on cellphones or get immediate gratification from someplace. It is a scary proposition to think that these will be our leaders and shakers in 20 years, those who do not read or cannot read, those who cannot think for themselves. Don't you agree? 

I worry about the world, my little part of it, the whole grand scheme of it- the world for my grand daughter- and everyone else. You see little people who are living and being born, and I wonder, what will it be like for them? Complete anarchy? The poor will continue to be poor? The rich richer? Will there be food enough? Health care? How will their tomorrow look?  

Sometimes I think too much. I guess I am in thinking too much spot again.

Kirtsen Dunne lost her beautiful daughter Molly this past week to Pulmonary Hypertension. She didn't even know her little girl had the damned disease until she collapsed on her first day of kindergarten. That caused brain damage so transplant was not an option. WHO DECIDES that because your child now has 2 things "wrong" they are not a good candidate for transplant? That irked me when I read that. Only seven years old and off to heaven she went. She missed her first kiss, all kinds of things. I hate PH. It robs breath from people, and then life.

I miss my life. Wait I have it. But it doesn't seem like it. I am always last in the line of my care. First, Dennis, then his Mom. Then whoever needs what next. Last is me, and it is getting old. Yet I never seem to stick up for myself because I feel bad for not taking care of those who cannot take care of themselves.

My son Cameron always uses the threat of you'll never see your granddaughter again when we fight. Why? Why that threat? Why does he use Lily? Why can't he just say you'll never see ME again? Why do they hold her as a hostage in the whole ordeal?? An innocent baby, she is so cute and they keep her away from me now, and they live in THIS house! I surrender. I feel like a damn rug as is, walked on and used, so what should change?

I surrender. No way will happiness hit me again, I have had my share I guess, a wonderful man I love, a little time together, now he is fading from me before my eyes; my mom, withered before me; Sean is a joy, his disease isn't keeping him down, I had the honor of watching him graduate and receive his acceptance letter for medical school, and a relatively good life. So all the good stuff came pretty early- I am blessed. Now all rough stuff and sadness is piling up and I am unable to deal with it all at once.

Maybe it is time to say enough and take off. Sprout wings and go-
I'm not sure but it is a thought.

Peace and love.

Earthshakes, tornadoes, storms a brewing

Saturday in soCal...

up and at em and then the earthquake shook. 4.1. not so bad. Every one else in the country thinks it is a wild ride. Well I guess it is if you're someplace else and hear a 4.1 shook our area. Me, it is crooked pictures to straighten, looking for cracks in the frame of the house, and new places to spackle.

I was going to post earlier this week about something and it has totally slipped my mind. Funny how things do that. Slip my mind. I swear it must be well oiled because things slip through more and more.

My shrink told me I am being bipolar. Forgetting, starting things and stopping them.. Being happy one moment and then totally depressing the next day. Stressed out then then calm. I think I am menopausal and freaked out about life. WHO WOULDN'T be bipolarish? Then she proceeded tot ell me I am ADD attention deficit disorder. Oh really? We knew this, both she and I. She prescribed medication to focus me, and it knocked me out. HA! Amphetamines knock me out. One in a million, one in a million....

Son had annual RHC yesterday. Yup pressures are up. The dang great cardiologist who did RHC said YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND WATCH THIS. SHE never said this before. Causes me some CONCERN. But son says don't worry mom. HA! how can you not worry when it comes from the mouth of the professional???? Systolic is up. Highest 1teensomething. Hmmm. it was like that when diagnosed. Mean pressure 65. Well hello, that isn't so great. I guess the ol' IV meds are coming back into his life. Veletri he is coming to meet you. Side effects of jaw pain here he comes. Neuropathy again in the footies. Gastro ickies once again. And he is supposed to start medical school? Well this is going to be interesting.

Hubs brain cancer tumor area is lighting up more on the MRI. New chemo protocol. FUN. 28 day series of meds. I am getting tired of being the pharmacist. I get a wee bit confused in setting out meds. So it varies a little each week, I think Denno's body has to get a bit sick of the same thing at the same time. The only thing that doesn't change is the anti seizure medications. The last thing he needs is another seizure. Energy is good, most the time. Dennis is getting thinner. I keep pumping in those calories....

Dementia isn't easy either. My mother in law will be 93 on the fourth of May. She has vascular dementia. I had to explain last night that the house she grew up in isn't her family home any longer. She was stuck there. Then she was stuck about who owned her home. Had to explain that one over and over. Oh well, she finally moved on to another subject. I am thankful when she moves on to another subject. Makes it easier and Dennis doesn't get so upset.

I feel blessed to have everyone in my family, even with the trials. It shows that we are dependent on each other for support and love. I tend to be the caregiver, but they care for me too, I am the legs and brain, but they fill me with hope and love too.

I still wish I could remember why I was so damn urgent to blog earlier this week. Another idea oiled and slipped through. Dang it.

Time to go and mow the yard. My lawn kid didn't show up so I am the lawn lady today. Allergies are too bad for the rest of the clan to mow. I am donning my mask and off to mow :) (I am allergic to the cut grass)

Hope the storm we had earlier this week quits with the BAD weather as it moves east!

Just saw a hummingbird reflection in the window as I typed this. Glad I made more hummer food, they are totally happy to have their food in the feeder out front. I am going to try to take photos and post the happy hummingbirds at the window feeder. Going to put up another two feeders today.

Roses had their first blush bloom, and now spring has sprung. Daffodils have come and gone, glads are blooming as well as the iris. Carrots have popped up from seed and the tomatoes are up from seed too.  I like when things grow. My sadness is the citrus got frosted earlier this year and they look SAD.


Hugs from California the land of SHAKING

Damn. Damn. Damn. I hate family sometimes. The things your family says. They talk without thinking, say things that rip your heart in tiny pieces. Words that drive you away without them realizing it. Or maybe they do. Maybe they just don't give two shakes of a lambs tail that they are pushing a giant wedge into the love you have for them until your love is more like anger, disappointment, and sadness that life has become like this. 

Days turn into dreaded minutes of the clock, tick-tick-ticking away to the point that you wish the clock broke so you wouldn't have to look at it and think about the words that were said. I hate you, you are a f***ing bitch. I am not, I gave you life, love, and would lay down and die for you. Why does a person say such horrible things? I just don't comprehend the dynamics of such hate towards me, or towards ANYONE for that matter.

Jealousy has no place here, and maybe it stems from that. Children no matter the age still act like children at times. It is so frustrating and bizarre.  If this was the first time this had happened I could stomach it better I think, but this has gone on for so long that it is seemingly becoming a way of life. Somewhat of abuse, verbal and emotional cruelty. It is forcing me to remove my person emotionally and somewhat physically to preserve myself, my sanity and dignity. How can I make sense of estranging myself from my child? That is what soap operas and dramas of the television and movies are made of. Not my life. It is on the six o'clock news.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? HOW AM I GOING TO FIGURE THIS OUT?

Ignore this like usual? Not talk about it? Avoid it? No matter what I decide to do, it is the choice I make. Gosh being a parent NEVER ends! I thought once your kids grew up, they would be adults and respect you and love you and be adults. My I think I was wrong.

WHAT'S a Mom to do???

Thoughts...

At some point in life you want to write down what you know, or what you think you’ve learned in order to make sense of the world around you. Also you want to leave a mark, or some form of wisdom for your posterity so they don’t make the same silly, often awkward mistakes that you do. This is my attempt to let my family and any other interested person do the reading. Just hopefully it will open a few eyes to a bit of wisdom before they hit an unnecessary bump in their journey.

Wouldn’t it be nice if at certain times in your life a book magically appeared from the sky into your life telling you what you needed to know to make it a little easier? Rules to make the road a bit smoother? Not the actual road, but the road of life. Maybe when you’re about three or four a picture book would show up in your toys that was full color and showed you loving your Mom and Dad always and listening to them. If you didn’t live with Mom and Dad, it would show the people you did live with who loved you. You eating the right foods. You loving everyone. Listening to grownups. That would be a good thing. Oh yes, not to stick your finger in a light socket or outlet, and to always look both ways and to never ever talk to strangers, and to say please and thank you. Being thankful. It would eliminate some of those spankings, and time outs. That book would have certainly helped me. They are simple basic truths every child has to learn, and sometimes they are hard truths to learn. Possibly they are the most simple of things we carry to our endings, especially love everyone. The Golden rule still applies always throughout life, and it certainly makes the going a bit easier even though at times it feels like you’re the only one applying it.

Then when you’re almost a teen another book should appear. DO NOT kiss that boy no matter what! Oh yes your body, it is about to change forever, and yes, your parents really do love you even though they seem like the worst people on the planet. Your face is changing.  Please and thank you still are the right words. Some people who say they are your friends might not be. Other kids can be cruel. Junior high can really suck. So can high school. You will get through it. Your parents DO love you. Hang on it will get better. A lot of these things will help through those teen years too so don’t lose this book. Oh when you see that boy who now looks pretty cute, smile, but do NOT kiss him! He will try to get you to, but wait; if he really likes you he will WAIT for you to be ready. Protect your virtue. By the way still don’t talk to strangers and never walk alone, and still look both ways before you cross the street. Be thankful for the world around you, no matter your circumstance, some people have it worse. Listen to others and remember that Golden Rule.

When your heart hurts, remember it will heal slowly and differently sometimes but you’re resilient and you will survive the most horrible situations.

Really? Ranting, Venting Yup Yup

Having fun figuring this blogging out is not fun. HA! More like oh this is work. Who had the great idea to do this? yup, that was me. I'm sitting here in the dark watching my mother in law sleeping on the couch, it's 11:34 here (PM), my hubs is snoring from his hospital bed, and David Letterman just came on. 

Really? IS THIS ALL THERE IS?

Sometimes I wonder. "What if" creeps in and makes its mark. What if this solar flare thing comes and wipes out all the communications from satellites. WHAT WILL HAPPEN> People might have to talk to each other. NO CABLE. Wow what a concept. HA! This will not be on the Internet. 

My mind is wandering tonight. Many friends have lost their children and husbands this past month to brain cancer/ Brain cancer sucks. No cure. It takes a person piece by piece until it decides to really devour its victim, then it immediately takes over and kills you as well as the person it is cannibalizing. Being the full time caregiver takes a toll on you too. Here is this wonderful strong virile person and you have built your life with them, your dreams of tomorrow and plans for the future- and the next thing you know some invisible monster- only seen by MRI and in surgery- comes in a steals your dreams and plans. The bastard can't steal your hope though. I keep trying to have hope. Some days are better than others. Today I was angry. I am angry I have to do this. I am angry it is taking my husband away from me. I am angry I have to do all of this alone. I am angry that all the people I love leave me. It is a hard thing this life. I live in anticipatory grief and fear. You would call it an anxiety disorder. Anxious of not knowing what is going to happen when. I mean I know cancer is going to win this war. I just don't know when. We seem to win battles, but not all of them. I just always am "en guard" to the unknown. It isn't an easy way to win. There is no new normal.

Then the cynic leaves the front of the stage and the little PollyAnna person pops in and says HEY what about ME???? Don't forget to be grateful! You have clothes on your back, a roof over your head and fat on your body- it means you have a home, clothes and food. Something many people don't. And you are writing and breathing. Many people can't write or read. Many can't get their breath either. Quit complaining and count your blessings.  Your husband still can communicate, you have a beautiful grand daughter. You sons are alive, you are alive. Would you quit bitching? Sometimes it is hard to live in my head.

Dealing with educated idiots is another thing. Have you really ever had to deal with stupid people and wanted to just slap them for their stupidity? I called the pharmacy. The big one we have with our HMO. They are supposed to have medication all the time. Yeah right. They don't always have anything you need.  I have to go and get hubby's medications and had to make sure they were there. Have been waiting since Saturday.... So I ask about my prescription. Oh you have to come in and wait for it. WHY??? I am calling for it now? Can't you say okay it will be ready? No, it is a new prescription, you have to check in and wait. WTF? It isn't new, I have been on this mediation for 6 months; a doctor screwed up and discontinued it when I spent the night in the hospital and now I have to get a new prescription. NOT MY ERROR. FIX IT. I feel like I am being punished for THEIR stupidity, and then I have to be punished again by sitting with 50 ill people waiting for their prescriptions. WAIT why me? Why them? Why do people have to put up with such baloney when it comes to health care? Or any care? 

I could go on and on about the changes I see in the world. It is kind of crazy. People have become more selfish, self satisfying and just so me-me-me, that I wonder why we're all still here. Where is the love? Okay I was born a little too late I guess. I am a hippie dippie. Just born a little late to actually be a hippie. But I do believe we need to not be so self absorbed and everyone needs to look around and make the world better before Mother Earth says YOU BLEW IT and sends us off the face of her! I think we are past the "second chance" with what we should be doing. All the examples from religions all over the world have said love one another- and take care of each other, and GUESS WHAT PEOPLE??? We're NOT DOING THAT! Killing each other in the name of G*d does not make it right!

Oh sheesh I better sleep, my mind is wandering all over the place and it is gonna get ugly before it gets pretty. Time for a swirly......

Peace :)

p.s. time to go back to figuring out the blogging.....

First post, this is something new...

Well, my eldest said, "Go for it Mom, you have a lot to write about," so here I am pounding keys in hopes someone might read this. Or maybe this is just for me.

I am a simple person living the life set before me. Interesting? Probably to some people. Exciting, not really. A way to communicate all the thoughts in my head and experiences I have had in hopes someone might glean information and bit of "Oh that's good!" Well kind of the point. 

I have been kicking around this beautiful planet for a little over 51 years and I have two sons. I have one husband- good thing, more than that and I'd be really tired and probably in jail for bigamy and Rush Limbaugh wouldn't know WHAT to call ME! My mother-in-law who is ninety-two lives here too. My youngest is married and his wife and my beautiful grandchild live here too. talk about a full house! Oh, we have dogs, lots of dogs. There are five of them. The biggest weighs 130 pounds down to the seven pound mutt who thinks she weighs oh, one hundred fifty pounds!

My Family... The eldest son is so busy. He has so much on his plate.  He's currently finishing up his Master's of Science in Medical Sciences. He has been accepted into medical school starting this summer or fall, he's just not sure which one spot to start in yet. Why is this remarkable? Well he has pulmonary hypertension which is a damned rare lung disease that is chronic, ongoing and very  dangerous, terminal, but controllable with medication. Doctors said he wouldn't live. Then they said he wouldn't be able to work, or go to school, or have a life. They told him all of this on his nineteenth birthday. Ha he proved them wrong.

My youngest. He is 22 and clueless about the real world. He knows about being married sort of, and what it means to be a father sort of, but it is so hard to be an adult these days, with the world telling you to expect it to take care of you instead of you taking care of yourself. But he is trying. Oh and this economy doesn't quite help. How can you find a job when our local unemployment rate is 13 percent? His wife is a cute spit of the minute kind of girl. She's quiet, and reserved in our house. Sometimes I wish she had more umph in her personality but hey, I am not married to her. Then The AWESOMEST GRANDCHILD!!! She is the most adorable thing I have ever seen! And I have seen a lot!

My mother-in-law. What can you say? 92 with vascular dementia. She is so sweet most of the time, but then.... A precious gift actually that she is alive and still coherent. Just living in the moment. Maybe we all could do a little bit more of that and be a little bit happier.

My sweet husband, the love of my life. It took me 40 years to find him, and I had been looking my whole life. Everything was hunky dory until April of last year when he had a seizure. Then we had to go through all the rigamarole of finding out what caused the dang thing. Eventually, well three months of fighting with doctors and having a fit of a time, it was diagnosed. The big "C" as the television show calls it, cancer. But brain cancer isn't curable. Heck you can't even get it to lay down and go to sleep. Especially if you are older. And he is older. Doctors said um don't make far out plans. We can't give you an expectancy. Then I heard them say six weeks. BAH! It has been 9 months now!!! Yes it isn't easy, and he has had better days before this. But we're still here! He fights cancer every day. So far we are winning the battles. Hopefully this will be a really really long war.

For those of you who don't know me, well I am me. I think I am pretty much an average person but others tell me I am not. So go figure. One of two kids, two parent household, both parents gone to the next place we go, married with children, graduate of college, post bacc degree, and I live by the Golden Rule. I seem to get kicked in the teeth more than not, but I don't really stop giving, I just figure one day it will come back the way it should where people live and love and care about each other and we care for each other. Yep, if you're hungry I will feed you. If you are naked I will clothe you. Need a place to sleep? I"ll find one for you. I would offer you a bed to lay your head but even our floor is full. (Dogs, remember)....

The last members of our house are Mana, she's twelve and a chow-Shepard mix and a barker, Trista who is malamute-alaskan wolfie mix, Sophie, who is a "field dog"- someone dumped her and we took her in from the field behind our house, Dozer, another mix of a dog he's part wolf-husky, and then Valentine who is the seven pound imposter possessed by a 150 dog spirit. the dogs rule the house. the watch over each of us and keep us under their paws. 

Here's my little blog about my family. Thoughts about life, expressions of me. If you're reading this, well welcome. And if you're not, then you don't know what you're missing.

Peace!