I guess I am frustrated. Wait I know I am frustrated. God does work miracles, Sean is alive. Cameron is alive. I am alive.
Me, I am not supposed to be here. Two months early and feet first. Well the doctors told mom, she will be small weak and not "normal" as a person. At least they got the last part right. HA!
Sean was easy. I thought he was part elephant, that I was going to pregnant forever and ever but he was just a regular baby- until his 19th birthday- then a few months before he started passing out. Cold. No rhyme or reason. Finally after two syncope episodes while we were in Colorado I made him go to the emergency room. It was a year to the day that my mother went to the hospital and she died six months later. Well, after they whisked him off to the cardiac unit of the emergency room and I was shoved into a corner it seemed like he would be joining her. But Thanks to the good Lord, he had excellent doctors who figured out he had a rare incurable lung disease, Pulmonary Hypertension. Look that one up. Without treatment he had six months to two years to live. I thank God he decided treatment. He is still here! Almost ten years later and he is going to medical school this fall!
Cameron. That was another fun pregnancy. I thought he was a Chelsea, not a Cameron. Then he decides he wants to stir it up a bit and ends up coming too early, and spends a few weeks in the NICU, with a rocky start. Now he is twenty-three, married with a beautiful daughter and wife.
Why a frustrated mother? Well, I think I held on too tightly and now my fledglings have grown into beautiful birds who won't leave the nest. They think they OWN the nest but they don't want nest responsibilities. It is difficult and heart wrenching. IF they go, I hurt, if they stay I hurt. Damn, life is complicated. I guess I am co-dependent. OR too Much of a mother hen, so I am trying to disconnect and they are freaking out. I am too cold, too mean too not me in their opinion.
I want a life outside of them, but I am a caregiver to my husband who has brain cancer now, and his mother, who has dementia. I am a wee bit tired. All these people live under one roof, we all live together and I am the one who tries to keep the house clean, pays the bills, does the chores and I am plain out tired. Frustrated, angry, and mad. WHERE IS MY TIME?
I guess it is too much to ask for because I have always been the one to do everything. Then I get harassed because I am not doing it ALL. I hear snide remarks- what are YOU going to do when dad dies? Sleep without tossing and turning all night I hope. Not panic if there is a strange noise. Sell the house, move into someplace smaller where I can manage it without having to clean up after 6 other people. It will just be my mother-in-law and myself. And two dogs. I won't be a mother of five dogs- just two.
Then the kids will call me selfish. It seems to be a no win situation. Heck this doesn't even include the opinions of my husband's children who have flat out refused to care for THEIR grandmother so Dennis and I can take a simple five day trip as a bucket list item without his mother. Their comment, "It is TOO hard to take care of her, she has dementia. What will we do?" Oh heck think of something, like talk to her, take her to her childhood home, walk around Capistrano, ask her about growing up there, see a movie with her, enjoy her, she is 93 years old. People don't live forever- spend a little time with her. Am I selfish for wanting time alone with my husband before he can't speak? He can no longer walk or use his right hand, he can't care for himself independently, give us just one week where we don't have to listen to what about MEEEEEEEEEE from our offspring!
I love my children. I would step in front of a gun for them. I would lay down and gladly die for them. But I also know I need a break from them, and all the stress and drama in our lives so I can gladly care and love them. I have caregiver burn out. I just need some respite.
God let me be here, God will get me through this, but boy oh boy I need a little bit of a chance to do this all.
I know there are silver lining behind dark clouds. They're so dark though right now I need some sunshine to peel back the darkness!
No comments:
Post a Comment