Having fun figuring this blogging out is not fun. HA! More like oh this is work. Who had the great idea to do this? yup, that was me. I'm sitting here in the dark watching my mother in law sleeping on the couch, it's 11:34 here (PM), my hubs is snoring from his hospital bed, and David Letterman just came on.
Really? IS THIS ALL THERE IS?
Sometimes I wonder. "What if" creeps in and makes its mark. What if this solar flare thing comes and wipes out all the communications from satellites. WHAT WILL HAPPEN> People might have to talk to each other. NO CABLE. Wow what a concept. HA! This will not be on the Internet.
My mind is wandering tonight. Many friends have lost their children and husbands this past month to brain cancer/ Brain cancer sucks. No cure. It takes a person piece by piece until it decides to really devour its victim, then it immediately takes over and kills you as well as the person it is cannibalizing. Being the full time caregiver takes a toll on you too. Here is this wonderful strong virile person and you have built your life with them, your dreams of tomorrow and plans for the future- and the next thing you know some invisible monster- only seen by MRI and in surgery- comes in a steals your dreams and plans. The bastard can't steal your hope though. I keep trying to have hope. Some days are better than others. Today I was angry. I am angry I have to do this. I am angry it is taking my husband away from me. I am angry I have to do all of this alone. I am angry that all the people I love leave me. It is a hard thing this life. I live in anticipatory grief and fear. You would call it an anxiety disorder. Anxious of not knowing what is going to happen when. I mean I know cancer is going to win this war. I just don't know when. We seem to win battles, but not all of them. I just always am "en guard" to the unknown. It isn't an easy way to win. There is no new normal.
Then the cynic leaves the front of the stage and the little PollyAnna person pops in and says HEY what about ME???? Don't forget to be grateful! You have clothes on your back, a roof over your head and fat on your body- it means you have a home, clothes and food. Something many people don't. And you are writing and breathing. Many people can't write or read. Many can't get their breath either. Quit complaining and count your blessings. Your husband still can communicate, you have a beautiful grand daughter. You sons are alive, you are alive. Would you quit bitching? Sometimes it is hard to live in my head.
Dealing with educated idiots is another thing. Have you really ever had to deal with stupid people and wanted to just slap them for their stupidity? I called the pharmacy. The big one we have with our HMO. They are supposed to have medication all the time. Yeah right. They don't always have anything you need. I have to go and get hubby's medications and had to make sure they were there. Have been waiting since Saturday.... So I ask about my prescription. Oh you have to come in and wait for it. WHY??? I am calling for it now? Can't you say okay it will be ready? No, it is a new prescription, you have to check in and wait. WTF? It isn't new, I have been on this mediation for 6 months; a doctor screwed up and discontinued it when I spent the night in the hospital and now I have to get a new prescription. NOT MY ERROR. FIX IT. I feel like I am being punished for THEIR stupidity, and then I have to be punished again by sitting with 50 ill people waiting for their prescriptions. WAIT why me? Why them? Why do people have to put up with such baloney when it comes to health care? Or any care?
I could go on and on about the changes I see in the world. It is kind of crazy. People have become more selfish, self satisfying and just so me-me-me, that I wonder why we're all still here. Where is the love? Okay I was born a little too late I guess. I am a hippie dippie. Just born a little late to actually be a hippie. But I do believe we need to not be so self absorbed and everyone needs to look around and make the world better before Mother Earth says YOU BLEW IT and sends us off the face of her! I think we are past the "second chance" with what we should be doing. All the examples from religions all over the world have said love one another- and take care of each other, and GUESS WHAT PEOPLE??? We're NOT DOING THAT! Killing each other in the name of G*d does not make it right!
Oh sheesh I better sleep, my mind is wandering all over the place and it is gonna get ugly before it gets pretty. Time for a swirly......
Peace :)
p.s. time to go back to figuring out the blogging.....
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