it has been a little over a month now since you died. wow I thought it might get a little easier. well, it hasn't. yes, the nights aren't up every two hours to medicate and make sure you are dry. no, I don't have to turn you and make sure that your mouth is clear and you can breathe. no, no more pills to swallow, no more morphine to give, no more ativan or valiums when you have seizures. nomore MRI trips or drives to LA, but dammit there aren't any more laughs or clicks of the wheel chair or you bellowing out for me or cuddles or kisses or snoring or i love yous or you. i am not happy. i am so lonely my heart hurts. my days are empty, my soul is lost. i have never felt this emptiness in my self before.

you dying has been the worst experience i have ever had in my life. it is as i have died too. i go places and do things and chase your mom around, i take her places and see the ocean, go to the store do the mundane tasks of living but it is NOT the same.

i am totally lost. bills aren't getting paid, life is chaos. I worry about everything still, your ocd wife is freaking out about the finances, how to cover all the bills that need to be paid. HOW DO I DO THIS DENNIS??? Everyone says don't worry it will work out, but I am not so sure about the how it will get done.

your kids have done the abandoning of the ship. oh they would be a part of my life after you left. hell they complained about your memorial service. they haven't been around since you passed. flew the coop. Only your little Britney. God she is so good. 

I miss you more than I ever thought I could. Or would. My heart aches for you. I cry for you at night. Sleep comes and goes, but it isn't the same. 

ha I looked online today at dating/match sites and YUCK. I cannot imagine EVER dating another man ever in my life. YUCK YUCK YUCK. no one can ever replace you, or even come close. I see these faces and think faker faker faker youa re all creeps and never ever could you ever replace my wonderful old curmudgeon, my love my DEW. So there is a truth I know. No one can ever hold a candle to you. 

I see your photo flit through the screen here on the computer and I cry. I want to hear your voice, see your smile feel your breath. Hearing your last breath and heartbeat means I cannot ever see you here again. I hold fast to the hope and truth that I WILL see you again and be with you again in the next part of this existence, but oh it isn't fast enough for me. I am not going to do anything stupid, don't think of that, but my time moves too slowly here. I want to be with YOU.

I miss you my darling Dennis, I miss you so much it hurts.

I may lose the house, I may lose everything. I don't know what to do. I am holding on to hope but going a little more crazy in the wait.

I wish you were here to tell me it will all work out and be okay, but you aren't so I am unsure. You always made the worst seem manageable,yet now I don't know.

Little signs are coming through, people tell me they feel YOU surrounding me, but maybe i am just numb still. every day I feel more sad, more lost more alone. I don't want anything but you. I need you like the earth needs the sun, the moon needs the stars. Dennis, I am so lost without you- you are my rock, my heartbeat, my breath. How am I going to do this without you?

I love you madly deeply forever more.

always forever and one day more-
Evan