Today I am upset. I was upset on Mother's day too. Today I am upset about everything. I guess I am pissed that the world is a crappy place. I know that I am supposed to wake up and say, hello world, what lovely day, it is a great day to be alive! But I just don't have it in me to say or feel that lately. I wanted to go to conference to see my son receive an award I nominated him for. He receives it whether I go or not. But I want to SEE it happen. Seems like none of my husband's children want to care for their grandmother for 5 days so I can do that. Fricken selfish human beings! WHY CAN'T that happen?!?!?!?! 

My youngest son is selfish. Inconsiderate and I just am so over him. he is ridiculous. I hate the fact he has grown up to this. Why can't he be something real? Something else instead of a no account lay about? Gosh he has so much potential? Why can't he see it in himself? Why does he expect the world to come to him? Why does he and most people his age have this expectation of entitlement? WHO TAUGHT THEM THIS????? Did I do this? If so somebody slap the stupid right out of me PLEASE! I sit and cry or sleep so I don't have to deal with the world. Doesn't work. When I am done crying or wake up, it is still there. Dammit why? Just doesn't seems right. I am so PollyAnna. Always looking to the bright side and so upset when it isn't bright. I just cannot comprehend the dark, it just is so dark, yet i have such dark in me that it should be understandable, but I can't see it in my head that the world has such darkness. I don't understand the evil in the world either. Why do people do such horrible things to each other? Such media sensation, such stupidity. There are times I want the "old fashioned" world to step back in and the Weavers from Leave it to Beaver to take over, but TV is part of the problem. People don't think for themselves, they think whatever television tells them. They don't read any more they watch television or talk on cellphones or get immediate gratification from someplace. It is a scary proposition to think that these will be our leaders and shakers in 20 years, those who do not read or cannot read, those who cannot think for themselves. Don't you agree? 

I worry about the world, my little part of it, the whole grand scheme of it- the world for my grand daughter- and everyone else. You see little people who are living and being born, and I wonder, what will it be like for them? Complete anarchy? The poor will continue to be poor? The rich richer? Will there be food enough? Health care? How will their tomorrow look?  

Sometimes I think too much. I guess I am in thinking too much spot again.

Kirtsen Dunne lost her beautiful daughter Molly this past week to Pulmonary Hypertension. She didn't even know her little girl had the damned disease until she collapsed on her first day of kindergarten. That caused brain damage so transplant was not an option. WHO DECIDES that because your child now has 2 things "wrong" they are not a good candidate for transplant? That irked me when I read that. Only seven years old and off to heaven she went. She missed her first kiss, all kinds of things. I hate PH. It robs breath from people, and then life.

I miss my life. Wait I have it. But it doesn't seem like it. I am always last in the line of my care. First, Dennis, then his Mom. Then whoever needs what next. Last is me, and it is getting old. Yet I never seem to stick up for myself because I feel bad for not taking care of those who cannot take care of themselves.

My son Cameron always uses the threat of you'll never see your granddaughter again when we fight. Why? Why that threat? Why does he use Lily? Why can't he just say you'll never see ME again? Why do they hold her as a hostage in the whole ordeal?? An innocent baby, she is so cute and they keep her away from me now, and they live in THIS house! I surrender. I feel like a damn rug as is, walked on and used, so what should change?

I surrender. No way will happiness hit me again, I have had my share I guess, a wonderful man I love, a little time together, now he is fading from me before my eyes; my mom, withered before me; Sean is a joy, his disease isn't keeping him down, I had the honor of watching him graduate and receive his acceptance letter for medical school, and a relatively good life. So all the good stuff came pretty early- I am blessed. Now all rough stuff and sadness is piling up and I am unable to deal with it all at once.

Maybe it is time to say enough and take off. Sprout wings and go-
I'm not sure but it is a thought.

Peace and love.