Two days before Christmas,  and life is totally insane. People demanding time, people expecting 100% of my time, leaving my priorities at the bottom of the barrel. I'm not alone in this either. Can we hold off for another 2 weeks before  Christmas?

Nope. It comes when it comes. No time out for real life. Bugger that.

Texting, the new evil.

Words. The one thing that makes us different is that we use words. Oh the power of the spoken word. The learning that comes from the written word. Books written to teach. Books written to inspire. Books written for escape from the here and now. Books use words that are unknown to some, so we learn new things from them.

Today, words are written in blogs, e-mails, texts. Moments of writing what's immediately on our mind without the thought of them being seen as literal. Words used in venting, nothing more. An absolute stranger may read the words and see something completely different than the intent. We have forgone the spoken word in conversing, and now people text.

What happened? Why do we not talk? Where did civility go? Where did the fact that things need to be spoken to be understood when it comes to conversations? My friend told me I will not text with you because what I read may not be what you are thinking. He made a valuable point. When we read the words of others, we think in our context, not the one they may have used when it was written. so many things misunderstood, so many things interpreted incorrectly. So many errors. So many problems stemming from the written words in texts.

About a week ago, I forgot my phone. I had no password protection, no security. My son picked it up and read every text I had written to friends and people I talk to. I had written things I felt, things that were a vent, and nothing more. When read, they were comprehended as literal. Then other people were told of my private texts. My venting of a situation that has no outcome other than heartache for those involved. Yet, the words were read by others. People who would think the worst, hope for the worst as to turn it into something prosperous for them. Words that were private, emotions that were shared. Thought that were fleeting, nothing like a television show that would HAPPEN, just words because of an impossible situation.

Just a lesson learned. As a friend said, "You better taste those words before you say them, you just might have to eat them." Texted words didn't taste as I was typing, but to eat them, well they taste like shit.

Lesson learned. Do not freely express myself in texts.

Saturday Night

 Saturday night and I ain't got nobody....

Nah, I got somebody and I am finally relaxing. I can let go and not worry. Just go. After a 12 year marriage with a man who didn't want me out of his sight to letting go of learned behaviors is great. I can say see ya, and not worry about it. 

The kids were asleep. They woke up about 20 minutes ago and are cooking. Fun, I just cleaned the kitchen and I guess I'll be doing it again. I scrubbed the crap out of the kitchen and made it the way I wanted it. Finally.

Granddaughter is asleep too. We had a great morning together, took the guy to work (taking back reins on oh sure, use me and my car), and then went to breakfast together. She is four. And a terrorist. So good at two and three, and now she is a terror!

The guy. He left, well completely bugged out in August but came back when the youngest threatened and then tried to kill me. I thank God for that one. He still has a lot of his things at his Mom's house, and another place, but slowly they are coming home. We said we'd take it slow. Well.... Much more communication, much more talking. Much more communication. Did I mention he has a JOB???? Oh that says a lot to me. Why? Because he is putting money into the house. Not me doing it all. That says a lot. He is still a goof ball with the attention span of a gnat at times, but he is also caring, comforting, and what I want for now. I am accepting tomorrows are never promised. Not quite all the way there, but working on it.

Things are slowly changing here, from hospice 101 to a form of normalcy of having a home of my own. For now. Again. Who knows what will happen with the death of Nana. people get weird with death. Me, I'm good. If shit hits the fan, I'm ducking!

Today has been a day of anxiety, to the point I asked the guy to listen to my heart to see if it is going too fast. I am unsure of why. This too shall pass.

OH MY GOSH- I grew a 10 pound pumpkin and a damn huge watermelon! Oh there were other things in the garden but those stupid cabbage moths invaded and most of the garden went to heck in a hand basket. there is still one more pumpkin out there and two watermelons, plus carrots and chili plants galore growing. I need to pull up all the other stuff, and kill the bugs then miracle grow the plants that are left. I'm going to go and weigh the watermelon, take a picture? and post it. 

Pumpkin too...

Random thoughts

Funny how a month slides by before you even know it.
like a breeze in the wind, so many people lose their health, gain new perspectives, and others move on.

Curious about men. one week so loving and attentive, and the next you wonder if they even notice you. still curious. talking leads to hurt feelings, misunderstandings and finally drama. For once I can say it wasn't me! i feel like a tool, but at this point of the game of life,the adventure is wearing thin.

I love this person, but have to remember that I cannot change them, at all. isn't happiness about change? from a single entity cruising through, and then meting someone who makes two better?

Enough.

My eldest son is really enjoying rotations in medical school. I miss him. I miss family. When did we become so self absorbed that traditions are thrown to the wayside for loneliness? Where did Sunday dinner go? Checking in on any given day to say hello, how are you? I dread Christmas and the quickly approaching holidays.

How I wish I could turn back time. Impossible. Brain is being seriously effected by medication. Still alone in this bed. Funny how people return to type, even when they say they've grown. Maybe it is me who has refused to move forward.

Time for goodnight and sweet dreams.

Peace love and joy.

Another year passed

Tomorrow I will be 55. HOLY SHIT where did time go? I feel like I'm 100 in body, 20 in brain, mind and spirit. Fifty-five!

Milestone, yes. Miracle? Oh so probably!

The next years are the best to come. I HOPE SO!!!

Happy birthday to me, I'd like to live in a tree. make someone happy, happy birthday to me!

This past year has been quite a learning experience. Youngest son tried to kill me twice. Yes, seriously. That is something to learn from. 96 year old mother in law took her last breath a few days ago. Another learning experience. Found a guy, lost the guy, then got him back. Put my crazy aside and we're doing pretty good, all things considered. Granddaughter is now four. Other two moved away and I miss them every stinking single day. All my girlies. I was blessed with granddaughters because I had sons. Whew, I'm glad they're my grands, I would die to think of having three girls now. I'd need big guns for the boys that will want to come a dating them. They're all so cute, beautiful and wonderful. Maybe I'll tell their parents the girls can date when they're 40. I sure want to see health records, school records and all kinds of reports- even credit reports of any teen that wants to date my grandgirls.

Fifty five years on this giant hunk of living rock that travels around the sun. I am hoping for another one. Who knows what will happen?

Nana

How do you say goodbye to the last person who belongs to you? How do you take care of all the things she left behind? How do you get through something you said you probably couldn't do? You take it one step at a time.

Opening boxes of treasures from the past creates imaginative thoughts of how they were worn, when they were bought, and who saw them first. Costume jewelry that was only a few dollars are now far more than that. Looking up china values for beautiful china sets creates a crazy number, and then to know there are TWO sets, makes my head spin. I was left all these items because I loved her. And I still love her.

She was tricky, the hospice nurse said 24 to 36 hours left and Nana said well, lets make it four. Her eyes were open for a minute, then closed, a look of peace and serenity upon her face, One more moment of open eyes and then her last exhale. I miss her so. I didn't cry right at first, and I haven't yet. Its almost been a week and I have started to go through things and put values on them and one afternoon has made my head swim. Three thousand dollars worth of bone china, and that is just the place settings. Vintage statues, antique typewriters, sewing machines, steamer trunks full of long forgotten treasures. Jewelry so old, I couldn't even imagine the person who wore it, let alone when it was created. Art and so many little figurines from world travels, money from each stop of the ship. Furs, who wears fur nowadays, well there are two of those too. Many boxes have yet to be opened and I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of what might be next. Shoehorns with advertising on the, fifteen dollars value! Anchor bottle openers, old milk bottle openers, straight razors, first "new" safety razors, watches, bric-a-brack, so much I had to stop. Looking for makers marks on each item tiny writing that says who made them. So many rosaries my head spins, and who knows how old some of them are. Crucifixes that scare me. I have never been fond of Jesus on a stick, items so holy and revered I have no idea what to do with them. So many things. What a collection of life.

I would so much rather have HER than all this stuff, but it does give me a glimpse of the Nana before me. Her younger days. Smiling photographs, love letters from her husband while he was at war. How can I just throw them in the trash?  I can't, but where do they go? Her grandchildren have not been a part of her life in the last fifteen years except for holidays and when they weren't too busy. seems these past 15 years they have been rather busy, and after her son, my husband, died I can count on one hand how many visits were made by them. Now that she has passed on, graduated from this life they will come. Vultures looking for the kill. I want this, that should be mine, how do I look at them without contempt and anger? Why should they get a piece of her that they didn't care about in life? Why am I so angry that they didn't come? 96 years of living, and she didn't see her grandchildren often. At first it was her husband, He wanted this and wanted that, and it didn't include sharing her with them. Then when she needed them in her life they were grown and not willing to repair the hurt of yesterdays. It wasn't her fault, she gave what she could when she could, but an overbearing husband with love only for her, made her life difficult. I was blessed to have so much of her in my life, daily for the past seven years. through the good and the bad. This was my gift from her, the stories, the laughter, and then the tears and loss of her. I knew this day would come, I just thought it wouldn't happen. Funny, things are never quite what they seem.

The house is quiet now, very quiet. No shuffle of feet in the wee hours to the bathroom, No coughs or toss or turns in her bed. No Thursday outing to the hair salon, or lunch after. The routine had become mundane, but now I miss it with all my heart. Seeing her in her hometown, reliving her joy through the twinkling of her eyes. She didn't speak much these latter years, but you could see the stories in her eyes.

Please explain

I feel the need to write, to get things out of my brain and onto paper for future recollection and digestion. 

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

Why did I think it was? Why did I believe for one simple moment that it would play nice and let everyone else think this true? Polly Anna strikes again!

My 96 year old mother-in-law, mom, also referred to as Nana, lies in the room next to mine and is actively dying. WHAT THE HELL? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?? Life again, not just one moment in time.  My brain cannot wrap this into sense, or accept it. Death is a part of living. I don't want to be a part of that living. Common sense dictates I accept this. Okay, okay, I get it. But to have this be the sixth person I have helped in the last stages in life is one of those WHAT THE HELL moments! Hey God, I went to school to become a school teacher. My goodness not this. Good golly this isn't the vocation or calling I thought I would have. SIX PEOPLE!!!! Why has this been chosen for me??? 

First my friends mother. Okay I thought I was there for my friend. More like standing proxy for her until her mother's last breath. Then I loved a man who just up and died because of his prior lifestyle.  Dead, whisked away before my very eyes. My mother, the woman who birthed me, who was my best friend. Ugh, dies. First I was told a week. Doctors don't know shit. Six months later she took her last breath. I was there. I had been through her illness with her. Grace had allowed me to be one of the people who physically cared for her.  Another piece of my heart a big, huge piece of my heart. Okay, that makes three. Three people. I can mostly accept that because I was growing older, and people leave their bodies for the next adventure. They graduate from an Earthly body into the next step of their journey. Society says as you get older, this happens more often. Okay probably true, but three is a lot for a person by age forty-two. Most of my friends try to placate my feelings with their logic. It is MY personal journey, the words are hollow to me. Number four was my father-in-law, he was older and not healthy, so it was sad, but I understood that one. FOUR people. FOUR! Was this a preparation fr number five? Maybe because the fifth person was my husband. Oh we walked that together, from first initial diagnosis of sir, you have two tumors in your brain, to the words inoperable brain cancer. I was losing the person I waited 40 years to meet, my curmudgeon, my world. Fourteen months of watching him decline physically as well as emotionally. Seeing him lose his spirit, all of his passion. From avid enjoyment of the great outdoors, fishing, hiking, riding his bicycle to staring out the window feeling broken. Denied. He said he'd waited forever to find me too. Shit. Gone too.

From our first breath at life, our last breath will come. All we breathe in between is our life.

Do we merely inhale and exhale and have an existence?  Or do we really breathe and live this gift? The choice is ours.

I would like to believe I breathe. There are days though, that I merely inhale and exhale. Then there are days I wonder why I even bother. Those are the worst days. Thank God the sun continues to rise in the morning and a new day begins.

Why write tonight? Things again are changing and I wonder what life will become. Inhaling and exhaling, or breathing.

Breathing to me, means that the good and bad. Days filled with the sweet perfume of life, the giggle of a little child, the blossom of a rose. Falling up and being giddy with the breath of fresh air. Falling into the arms of someone you love. Having them fall back into yours. Loving so hard that it at times, hurts. Trying to be a rock of support only to be crushed by one swift blow to the heart. Hearing words that are so untrue, but then so true to the mouth that speaks them. Hard times. Losing the person and people that mean the most. Knowing that those are faces and breath that will never be felt or seen again in the space of breathing. That seeing them again depends on faith. Faith  in a power greater than oneself. Faith that love is eternal, and you again will see those who have gone on into the Great Mystery before you.

Breathing means the tears of all emotion. Joy of seeing that little person outside of you at birth. Tears of happiness when you find the person you've been waiting for all your life. Tears of glee when you get something done that was previously thought impossible. Teas of anger at injustice, and knowing that justice may never be served. Tears then of sorrow. Losing friends to simple mistakes, poor communication, Tears of sadness at passing milestones you've set for yourself and knowing you can never come back. Losing the things you love. Unconditional support. Unconditional love. These things bring tears to my eyes. Feeling judged without explanation by people who don't even know you. Uncertain tears. The tears of fears in the moments of your life. Will I see that person again? Will they be the same or someone who was. Tears of sheer horror at knowing life will never be what you live. It can and does change in an instant, and how we breathe through the times we feel we cannot take another breath.

Breathing is giving yourself without worry of the outcome. Inhaling and exhaling is not caring or accepting the changes.

Breathing is feeling. Feeling all of it. Every single moment. Inhaling and exhaling is not accepting the feelings. Not being true to yourself, or the people in the circle of your world.

I have always tried to breathe in the good, and out the bad. Sometimes it feels like I swallow the bad and don't exhale it. When that happens I carry the bad along with me, and it holds me back. Pushes me down. Niggles at my soul, my spirit, my breathing. Living a lie is another thing that pulls. Trying to protect those you love from facing the truth of their life in never saying the truth to other people who care. Covering up feelings with the hope that truth will come, and that person will realize what they are only inhaling and exhaling. Especially when you believe that if they breathe, they will learn to feel again, and maybe tears of joy will encircle their eyes. My own tears when the truth says, you cannot pull or push another to their own truth.

It seems that I had only been inhaling and exhaling, thinking I was breathing. Moving through each day, with a decision that this simple existing will turn into breathing. Failing to see the shortened breath around me. Thinking that this is good, like homeostasis.  Not changing. Simple, the same. Then that shortened breath decided to take stage, front and center. It demands I breathe again, albeit the outcome may not be what I want. Time to feel, feel real things again. Unfortunately, the breathing may be torment. Loss. Pain. Loss of all that I know and hope for by faith must come again. Knowing that should be consolation.

Existing doesn't allow pain. But existing only means going through each day without feeling. Just being in a shell, inhaling and exhaling. Breathing means being a part of all. Living. I think I will breathe

Seems like the only time I write here is post tears, or before a major event, usually one with a bag of shame clinging onto it. 
I am tired of being sad. Of being used and abused. I am this way because my heart always moves faster than reason.
I said I'd give it six months. Time is almost up and I am going to have to cut the line. What's the fisherman saying? Cut line and lose bait? Yes, I am there almost. Still working up the nerve to do it. Working up the strength to say those words that will put me right into the alone catagory.  I don't want to be alone. It scares me. But I don't want to be used, either. What a sticky mess I've  made. It stinks. I feel I am being played. Used. Taken advantage of. How did come to this? I am sick from me walking into a broken mess thinking love will heal all wounds. Some wounds are irreparable.  Another lesson. When do I get a break from all these lessons?  Do I ever get a break from this? I fear the answer is no. No you bite a lemon, and it's going to be sour. You try to fix broken,  and get pushed away emotionally,  yet let me use your kindness. Hey, can I borrow your car? (Of course you may) I have no way to get a hold of my kids. SIGH... (here, let me get you a cell phone,  and pay for you to be on my plan). May I use your car for work? Okay, (let me put you on my insurance just in case something would / could  happen) WHO IS THIS YES PERSON? ??  Oh my God, it's me!!!!
Who have I become? Where the hell did I go? Since when have I relinquished myself in the hope someone would want me? This is a very, very uncomfortable first. My innards are telling me something is coming, and it isn't good.

Is there time to save me from this? Gosh, I don't know.

So I did it again. Shot myself in the foot.  I hoped at 54 I would have learned by now that nothing is ever the way it seems. A person believes and feels one way thinking that the other person is close to the same feelings. WRONG Fing' WRONG.  Words were said today that can never be erased. Things went south in a bad way quicker than a jet landing.  I am thankful this is a private blog, what I'm saying is pretty private okay? I really am angry with my heart right now, the jerky muscle won't let my brain do the thinking.  Being with someone younger  means dealing with petty immature behaviors.  And then I jumped right in to that pig pen and got dirty, too. I think I need to be more uplifting in my words, actions, and self reflection.  Instead of slamming myself for opening the door to caring about someone whether they care or not shows my growth as a human being. I have to remember that what you give is it. Thats it. A person can only be responsible for themself. If the feelings aren't reciprocal,  then time to pack it up emotionally  and back off. Life is hard! Good thing happy days preceeded this, and there will be more happy days ahead. 

As I sit here in the dark (literally )

As I'm sitting here in the dark, trying to distract myself with the newest Exodus film.  I'm grateful my son put vudu on the television  because with out it, I'd just be sitting in the dark.

The point of this is that my life has given me another lesson to learn.

About a year ago I met this guy. OMG I was in heat! I've never had those feelings, never. I wanted to invade his personal space  because I was so enamored!  So I hired him to work on Nana's house  just to be close to him. The magnetic attractions just about   crushed me. There was no reciprocity in feelings, but just being near him was enough.    Yup, I'm in the dark.  Well there was a falling out of our friendship.  I figured out that I just would be better without the temptation  than with it.
okay, makes sense. I cruised along, and didn't forget him, I just chose to ignore the feelings. He is 11 years younger than me! 

Uh oh, October rolls around,  and guess who calls me. The boy toy. I heard may I borrow  five dollars for gas. Oh sucker I am,  I gave him 10. He kept popping in to say hey,  how are you? I let him. It was nice to have the attention. So as life happens,  we cross paths again in the beginning of December.  His living arrangements  have dumped him on the street.  I know, what the hell am I thinking?  But inside my head I know if the table was turned,  he'd help me. He moves his stuff in, as well as his dog and himself. Charity never fails; it is stated in the Bible,  so I have to follow. 

Did I mention I'm here in the dark? Typing on my smartphone?  So many typos to edit. He sleeps on the couch for a week, and then I invited him to sleep in my bed. STUPID.  STUPID.  STUPID. Remember I am really attracted to him? Okay, he's in my bed. More time passes, and um yeah, you're thinking  OHH NO SHE DIDN'T.  Yeah, after a 12 year marriage that didn't have the physical  side. I jumped his bones. He's  been sleeping in my bed ever since.  The physical  untouched  lonely sideways me was thrilled with someone to snuggle  up with. 

More to follow, too dark.