Please explain

I feel the need to write, to get things out of my brain and onto paper for future recollection and digestion. 

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

Why did I think it was? Why did I believe for one simple moment that it would play nice and let everyone else think this true? Polly Anna strikes again!

My 96 year old mother-in-law, mom, also referred to as Nana, lies in the room next to mine and is actively dying. WHAT THE HELL? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?? Life again, not just one moment in time.  My brain cannot wrap this into sense, or accept it. Death is a part of living. I don't want to be a part of that living. Common sense dictates I accept this. Okay, okay, I get it. But to have this be the sixth person I have helped in the last stages in life is one of those WHAT THE HELL moments! Hey God, I went to school to become a school teacher. My goodness not this. Good golly this isn't the vocation or calling I thought I would have. SIX PEOPLE!!!! Why has this been chosen for me??? 

First my friends mother. Okay I thought I was there for my friend. More like standing proxy for her until her mother's last breath. Then I loved a man who just up and died because of his prior lifestyle.  Dead, whisked away before my very eyes. My mother, the woman who birthed me, who was my best friend. Ugh, dies. First I was told a week. Doctors don't know shit. Six months later she took her last breath. I was there. I had been through her illness with her. Grace had allowed me to be one of the people who physically cared for her.  Another piece of my heart a big, huge piece of my heart. Okay, that makes three. Three people. I can mostly accept that because I was growing older, and people leave their bodies for the next adventure. They graduate from an Earthly body into the next step of their journey. Society says as you get older, this happens more often. Okay probably true, but three is a lot for a person by age forty-two. Most of my friends try to placate my feelings with their logic. It is MY personal journey, the words are hollow to me. Number four was my father-in-law, he was older and not healthy, so it was sad, but I understood that one. FOUR people. FOUR! Was this a preparation fr number five? Maybe because the fifth person was my husband. Oh we walked that together, from first initial diagnosis of sir, you have two tumors in your brain, to the words inoperable brain cancer. I was losing the person I waited 40 years to meet, my curmudgeon, my world. Fourteen months of watching him decline physically as well as emotionally. Seeing him lose his spirit, all of his passion. From avid enjoyment of the great outdoors, fishing, hiking, riding his bicycle to staring out the window feeling broken. Denied. He said he'd waited forever to find me too. Shit. Gone too.