Seems like the only time I write here is post tears, or before a major event, usually one with a bag of shame clinging onto it. 
I am tired of being sad. Of being used and abused. I am this way because my heart always moves faster than reason.
I said I'd give it six months. Time is almost up and I am going to have to cut the line. What's the fisherman saying? Cut line and lose bait? Yes, I am there almost. Still working up the nerve to do it. Working up the strength to say those words that will put me right into the alone catagory.  I don't want to be alone. It scares me. But I don't want to be used, either. What a sticky mess I've  made. It stinks. I feel I am being played. Used. Taken advantage of. How did come to this? I am sick from me walking into a broken mess thinking love will heal all wounds. Some wounds are irreparable.  Another lesson. When do I get a break from all these lessons?  Do I ever get a break from this? I fear the answer is no. No you bite a lemon, and it's going to be sour. You try to fix broken,  and get pushed away emotionally,  yet let me use your kindness. Hey, can I borrow your car? (Of course you may) I have no way to get a hold of my kids. SIGH... (here, let me get you a cell phone,  and pay for you to be on my plan). May I use your car for work? Okay, (let me put you on my insurance just in case something would / could  happen) WHO IS THIS YES PERSON? ??  Oh my God, it's me!!!!
Who have I become? Where the hell did I go? Since when have I relinquished myself in the hope someone would want me? This is a very, very uncomfortable first. My innards are telling me something is coming, and it isn't good.

Is there time to save me from this? Gosh, I don't know.

So I did it again. Shot myself in the foot.  I hoped at 54 I would have learned by now that nothing is ever the way it seems. A person believes and feels one way thinking that the other person is close to the same feelings. WRONG Fing' WRONG.  Words were said today that can never be erased. Things went south in a bad way quicker than a jet landing.  I am thankful this is a private blog, what I'm saying is pretty private okay? I really am angry with my heart right now, the jerky muscle won't let my brain do the thinking.  Being with someone younger  means dealing with petty immature behaviors.  And then I jumped right in to that pig pen and got dirty, too. I think I need to be more uplifting in my words, actions, and self reflection.  Instead of slamming myself for opening the door to caring about someone whether they care or not shows my growth as a human being. I have to remember that what you give is it. Thats it. A person can only be responsible for themself. If the feelings aren't reciprocal,  then time to pack it up emotionally  and back off. Life is hard! Good thing happy days preceeded this, and there will be more happy days ahead.