Damn. Damn. Damn. I hate family sometimes. The things your family says. They talk without thinking, say things that rip your heart in tiny pieces. Words that drive you away without them realizing it. Or maybe they do. Maybe they just don't give two shakes of a lambs tail that they are pushing a giant wedge into the love you have for them until your love is more like anger, disappointment, and sadness that life has become like this. 

Days turn into dreaded minutes of the clock, tick-tick-ticking away to the point that you wish the clock broke so you wouldn't have to look at it and think about the words that were said. I hate you, you are a f***ing bitch. I am not, I gave you life, love, and would lay down and die for you. Why does a person say such horrible things? I just don't comprehend the dynamics of such hate towards me, or towards ANYONE for that matter.

Jealousy has no place here, and maybe it stems from that. Children no matter the age still act like children at times. It is so frustrating and bizarre.  If this was the first time this had happened I could stomach it better I think, but this has gone on for so long that it is seemingly becoming a way of life. Somewhat of abuse, verbal and emotional cruelty. It is forcing me to remove my person emotionally and somewhat physically to preserve myself, my sanity and dignity. How can I make sense of estranging myself from my child? That is what soap operas and dramas of the television and movies are made of. Not my life. It is on the six o'clock news.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? HOW AM I GOING TO FIGURE THIS OUT?

Ignore this like usual? Not talk about it? Avoid it? No matter what I decide to do, it is the choice I make. Gosh being a parent NEVER ends! I thought once your kids grew up, they would be adults and respect you and love you and be adults. My I think I was wrong.

WHAT'S a Mom to do???

Thoughts...

At some point in life you want to write down what you know, or what you think you’ve learned in order to make sense of the world around you. Also you want to leave a mark, or some form of wisdom for your posterity so they don’t make the same silly, often awkward mistakes that you do. This is my attempt to let my family and any other interested person do the reading. Just hopefully it will open a few eyes to a bit of wisdom before they hit an unnecessary bump in their journey.

Wouldn’t it be nice if at certain times in your life a book magically appeared from the sky into your life telling you what you needed to know to make it a little easier? Rules to make the road a bit smoother? Not the actual road, but the road of life. Maybe when you’re about three or four a picture book would show up in your toys that was full color and showed you loving your Mom and Dad always and listening to them. If you didn’t live with Mom and Dad, it would show the people you did live with who loved you. You eating the right foods. You loving everyone. Listening to grownups. That would be a good thing. Oh yes, not to stick your finger in a light socket or outlet, and to always look both ways and to never ever talk to strangers, and to say please and thank you. Being thankful. It would eliminate some of those spankings, and time outs. That book would have certainly helped me. They are simple basic truths every child has to learn, and sometimes they are hard truths to learn. Possibly they are the most simple of things we carry to our endings, especially love everyone. The Golden rule still applies always throughout life, and it certainly makes the going a bit easier even though at times it feels like you’re the only one applying it.

Then when you’re almost a teen another book should appear. DO NOT kiss that boy no matter what! Oh yes your body, it is about to change forever, and yes, your parents really do love you even though they seem like the worst people on the planet. Your face is changing.  Please and thank you still are the right words. Some people who say they are your friends might not be. Other kids can be cruel. Junior high can really suck. So can high school. You will get through it. Your parents DO love you. Hang on it will get better. A lot of these things will help through those teen years too so don’t lose this book. Oh when you see that boy who now looks pretty cute, smile, but do NOT kiss him! He will try to get you to, but wait; if he really likes you he will WAIT for you to be ready. Protect your virtue. By the way still don’t talk to strangers and never walk alone, and still look both ways before you cross the street. Be thankful for the world around you, no matter your circumstance, some people have it worse. Listen to others and remember that Golden Rule.

When your heart hurts, remember it will heal slowly and differently sometimes but you’re resilient and you will survive the most horrible situations.

Really? Ranting, Venting Yup Yup

Having fun figuring this blogging out is not fun. HA! More like oh this is work. Who had the great idea to do this? yup, that was me. I'm sitting here in the dark watching my mother in law sleeping on the couch, it's 11:34 here (PM), my hubs is snoring from his hospital bed, and David Letterman just came on. 

Really? IS THIS ALL THERE IS?

Sometimes I wonder. "What if" creeps in and makes its mark. What if this solar flare thing comes and wipes out all the communications from satellites. WHAT WILL HAPPEN> People might have to talk to each other. NO CABLE. Wow what a concept. HA! This will not be on the Internet. 

My mind is wandering tonight. Many friends have lost their children and husbands this past month to brain cancer/ Brain cancer sucks. No cure. It takes a person piece by piece until it decides to really devour its victim, then it immediately takes over and kills you as well as the person it is cannibalizing. Being the full time caregiver takes a toll on you too. Here is this wonderful strong virile person and you have built your life with them, your dreams of tomorrow and plans for the future- and the next thing you know some invisible monster- only seen by MRI and in surgery- comes in a steals your dreams and plans. The bastard can't steal your hope though. I keep trying to have hope. Some days are better than others. Today I was angry. I am angry I have to do this. I am angry it is taking my husband away from me. I am angry I have to do all of this alone. I am angry that all the people I love leave me. It is a hard thing this life. I live in anticipatory grief and fear. You would call it an anxiety disorder. Anxious of not knowing what is going to happen when. I mean I know cancer is going to win this war. I just don't know when. We seem to win battles, but not all of them. I just always am "en guard" to the unknown. It isn't an easy way to win. There is no new normal.

Then the cynic leaves the front of the stage and the little PollyAnna person pops in and says HEY what about ME???? Don't forget to be grateful! You have clothes on your back, a roof over your head and fat on your body- it means you have a home, clothes and food. Something many people don't. And you are writing and breathing. Many people can't write or read. Many can't get their breath either. Quit complaining and count your blessings.  Your husband still can communicate, you have a beautiful grand daughter. You sons are alive, you are alive. Would you quit bitching? Sometimes it is hard to live in my head.

Dealing with educated idiots is another thing. Have you really ever had to deal with stupid people and wanted to just slap them for their stupidity? I called the pharmacy. The big one we have with our HMO. They are supposed to have medication all the time. Yeah right. They don't always have anything you need.  I have to go and get hubby's medications and had to make sure they were there. Have been waiting since Saturday.... So I ask about my prescription. Oh you have to come in and wait for it. WHY??? I am calling for it now? Can't you say okay it will be ready? No, it is a new prescription, you have to check in and wait. WTF? It isn't new, I have been on this mediation for 6 months; a doctor screwed up and discontinued it when I spent the night in the hospital and now I have to get a new prescription. NOT MY ERROR. FIX IT. I feel like I am being punished for THEIR stupidity, and then I have to be punished again by sitting with 50 ill people waiting for their prescriptions. WAIT why me? Why them? Why do people have to put up with such baloney when it comes to health care? Or any care? 

I could go on and on about the changes I see in the world. It is kind of crazy. People have become more selfish, self satisfying and just so me-me-me, that I wonder why we're all still here. Where is the love? Okay I was born a little too late I guess. I am a hippie dippie. Just born a little late to actually be a hippie. But I do believe we need to not be so self absorbed and everyone needs to look around and make the world better before Mother Earth says YOU BLEW IT and sends us off the face of her! I think we are past the "second chance" with what we should be doing. All the examples from religions all over the world have said love one another- and take care of each other, and GUESS WHAT PEOPLE??? We're NOT DOING THAT! Killing each other in the name of G*d does not make it right!

Oh sheesh I better sleep, my mind is wandering all over the place and it is gonna get ugly before it gets pretty. Time for a swirly......

Peace :)

p.s. time to go back to figuring out the blogging.....

First post, this is something new...

Well, my eldest said, "Go for it Mom, you have a lot to write about," so here I am pounding keys in hopes someone might read this. Or maybe this is just for me.

I am a simple person living the life set before me. Interesting? Probably to some people. Exciting, not really. A way to communicate all the thoughts in my head and experiences I have had in hopes someone might glean information and bit of "Oh that's good!" Well kind of the point. 

I have been kicking around this beautiful planet for a little over 51 years and I have two sons. I have one husband- good thing, more than that and I'd be really tired and probably in jail for bigamy and Rush Limbaugh wouldn't know WHAT to call ME! My mother-in-law who is ninety-two lives here too. My youngest is married and his wife and my beautiful grandchild live here too. talk about a full house! Oh, we have dogs, lots of dogs. There are five of them. The biggest weighs 130 pounds down to the seven pound mutt who thinks she weighs oh, one hundred fifty pounds!

My Family... The eldest son is so busy. He has so much on his plate.  He's currently finishing up his Master's of Science in Medical Sciences. He has been accepted into medical school starting this summer or fall, he's just not sure which one spot to start in yet. Why is this remarkable? Well he has pulmonary hypertension which is a damned rare lung disease that is chronic, ongoing and very  dangerous, terminal, but controllable with medication. Doctors said he wouldn't live. Then they said he wouldn't be able to work, or go to school, or have a life. They told him all of this on his nineteenth birthday. Ha he proved them wrong.

My youngest. He is 22 and clueless about the real world. He knows about being married sort of, and what it means to be a father sort of, but it is so hard to be an adult these days, with the world telling you to expect it to take care of you instead of you taking care of yourself. But he is trying. Oh and this economy doesn't quite help. How can you find a job when our local unemployment rate is 13 percent? His wife is a cute spit of the minute kind of girl. She's quiet, and reserved in our house. Sometimes I wish she had more umph in her personality but hey, I am not married to her. Then The AWESOMEST GRANDCHILD!!! She is the most adorable thing I have ever seen! And I have seen a lot!

My mother-in-law. What can you say? 92 with vascular dementia. She is so sweet most of the time, but then.... A precious gift actually that she is alive and still coherent. Just living in the moment. Maybe we all could do a little bit more of that and be a little bit happier.

My sweet husband, the love of my life. It took me 40 years to find him, and I had been looking my whole life. Everything was hunky dory until April of last year when he had a seizure. Then we had to go through all the rigamarole of finding out what caused the dang thing. Eventually, well three months of fighting with doctors and having a fit of a time, it was diagnosed. The big "C" as the television show calls it, cancer. But brain cancer isn't curable. Heck you can't even get it to lay down and go to sleep. Especially if you are older. And he is older. Doctors said um don't make far out plans. We can't give you an expectancy. Then I heard them say six weeks. BAH! It has been 9 months now!!! Yes it isn't easy, and he has had better days before this. But we're still here! He fights cancer every day. So far we are winning the battles. Hopefully this will be a really really long war.

For those of you who don't know me, well I am me. I think I am pretty much an average person but others tell me I am not. So go figure. One of two kids, two parent household, both parents gone to the next place we go, married with children, graduate of college, post bacc degree, and I live by the Golden Rule. I seem to get kicked in the teeth more than not, but I don't really stop giving, I just figure one day it will come back the way it should where people live and love and care about each other and we care for each other. Yep, if you're hungry I will feed you. If you are naked I will clothe you. Need a place to sleep? I"ll find one for you. I would offer you a bed to lay your head but even our floor is full. (Dogs, remember)....

The last members of our house are Mana, she's twelve and a chow-Shepard mix and a barker, Trista who is malamute-alaskan wolfie mix, Sophie, who is a "field dog"- someone dumped her and we took her in from the field behind our house, Dozer, another mix of a dog he's part wolf-husky, and then Valentine who is the seven pound imposter possessed by a 150 dog spirit. the dogs rule the house. the watch over each of us and keep us under their paws. 

Here's my little blog about my family. Thoughts about life, expressions of me. If you're reading this, well welcome. And if you're not, then you don't know what you're missing.

Peace!