Saturday Night

 Saturday night and I ain't got nobody....

Nah, I got somebody and I am finally relaxing. I can let go and not worry. Just go. After a 12 year marriage with a man who didn't want me out of his sight to letting go of learned behaviors is great. I can say see ya, and not worry about it. 

The kids were asleep. They woke up about 20 minutes ago and are cooking. Fun, I just cleaned the kitchen and I guess I'll be doing it again. I scrubbed the crap out of the kitchen and made it the way I wanted it. Finally.

Granddaughter is asleep too. We had a great morning together, took the guy to work (taking back reins on oh sure, use me and my car), and then went to breakfast together. She is four. And a terrorist. So good at two and three, and now she is a terror!

The guy. He left, well completely bugged out in August but came back when the youngest threatened and then tried to kill me. I thank God for that one. He still has a lot of his things at his Mom's house, and another place, but slowly they are coming home. We said we'd take it slow. Well.... Much more communication, much more talking. Much more communication. Did I mention he has a JOB???? Oh that says a lot to me. Why? Because he is putting money into the house. Not me doing it all. That says a lot. He is still a goof ball with the attention span of a gnat at times, but he is also caring, comforting, and what I want for now. I am accepting tomorrows are never promised. Not quite all the way there, but working on it.

Things are slowly changing here, from hospice 101 to a form of normalcy of having a home of my own. For now. Again. Who knows what will happen with the death of Nana. people get weird with death. Me, I'm good. If shit hits the fan, I'm ducking!

Today has been a day of anxiety, to the point I asked the guy to listen to my heart to see if it is going too fast. I am unsure of why. This too shall pass.

OH MY GOSH- I grew a 10 pound pumpkin and a damn huge watermelon! Oh there were other things in the garden but those stupid cabbage moths invaded and most of the garden went to heck in a hand basket. there is still one more pumpkin out there and two watermelons, plus carrots and chili plants galore growing. I need to pull up all the other stuff, and kill the bugs then miracle grow the plants that are left. I'm going to go and weigh the watermelon, take a picture? and post it. 

Pumpkin too...

Random thoughts

Funny how a month slides by before you even know it.
like a breeze in the wind, so many people lose their health, gain new perspectives, and others move on.

Curious about men. one week so loving and attentive, and the next you wonder if they even notice you. still curious. talking leads to hurt feelings, misunderstandings and finally drama. For once I can say it wasn't me! i feel like a tool, but at this point of the game of life,the adventure is wearing thin.

I love this person, but have to remember that I cannot change them, at all. isn't happiness about change? from a single entity cruising through, and then meting someone who makes two better?

Enough.

My eldest son is really enjoying rotations in medical school. I miss him. I miss family. When did we become so self absorbed that traditions are thrown to the wayside for loneliness? Where did Sunday dinner go? Checking in on any given day to say hello, how are you? I dread Christmas and the quickly approaching holidays.

How I wish I could turn back time. Impossible. Brain is being seriously effected by medication. Still alone in this bed. Funny how people return to type, even when they say they've grown. Maybe it is me who has refused to move forward.

Time for goodnight and sweet dreams.

Peace love and joy.