Tomorrow I will be 55. HOLY SHIT where did time go? I feel like I'm 100 in body, 20 in brain, mind and spirit. Fifty-five!
Milestone, yes. Miracle? Oh so probably!
The next years are the best to come. I HOPE SO!!!
Happy birthday to me, I'd like to live in a tree. make someone happy, happy birthday to me!
This past year has been quite a learning experience. Youngest son tried to kill me twice. Yes, seriously. That is something to learn from. 96 year old mother in law took her last breath a few days ago. Another learning experience. Found a guy, lost the guy, then got him back. Put my crazy aside and we're doing pretty good, all things considered. Granddaughter is now four. Other two moved away and I miss them every stinking single day. All my girlies. I was blessed with granddaughters because I had sons. Whew, I'm glad they're my grands, I would die to think of having three girls now. I'd need big guns for the boys that will want to come a dating them. They're all so cute, beautiful and wonderful. Maybe I'll tell their parents the girls can date when they're 40. I sure want to see health records, school records and all kinds of reports- even credit reports of any teen that wants to date my grandgirls.
Fifty five years on this giant hunk of living rock that travels around the sun. I am hoping for another one. Who knows what will happen?
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Nana
How do you say goodbye to the last person who belongs to you? How do you take care of all the things she left behind? How do you get through something you said you probably couldn't do? You take it one step at a time.
Opening boxes of treasures from the past creates imaginative thoughts of how they were worn, when they were bought, and who saw them first. Costume jewelry that was only a few dollars are now far more than that. Looking up china values for beautiful china sets creates a crazy number, and then to know there are TWO sets, makes my head spin. I was left all these items because I loved her. And I still love her.
She was tricky, the hospice nurse said 24 to 36 hours left and Nana said well, lets make it four. Her eyes were open for a minute, then closed, a look of peace and serenity upon her face, One more moment of open eyes and then her last exhale. I miss her so. I didn't cry right at first, and I haven't yet. Its almost been a week and I have started to go through things and put values on them and one afternoon has made my head swim. Three thousand dollars worth of bone china, and that is just the place settings. Vintage statues, antique typewriters, sewing machines, steamer trunks full of long forgotten treasures. Jewelry so old, I couldn't even imagine the person who wore it, let alone when it was created. Art and so many little figurines from world travels, money from each stop of the ship. Furs, who wears fur nowadays, well there are two of those too. Many boxes have yet to be opened and I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of what might be next. Shoehorns with advertising on the, fifteen dollars value! Anchor bottle openers, old milk bottle openers, straight razors, first "new" safety razors, watches, bric-a-brack, so much I had to stop. Looking for makers marks on each item tiny writing that says who made them. So many rosaries my head spins, and who knows how old some of them are. Crucifixes that scare me. I have never been fond of Jesus on a stick, items so holy and revered I have no idea what to do with them. So many things. What a collection of life.
I would so much rather have HER than all this stuff, but it does give me a glimpse of the Nana before me. Her younger days. Smiling photographs, love letters from her husband while he was at war. How can I just throw them in the trash? I can't, but where do they go? Her grandchildren have not been a part of her life in the last fifteen years except for holidays and when they weren't too busy. seems these past 15 years they have been rather busy, and after her son, my husband, died I can count on one hand how many visits were made by them. Now that she has passed on, graduated from this life they will come. Vultures looking for the kill. I want this, that should be mine, how do I look at them without contempt and anger? Why should they get a piece of her that they didn't care about in life? Why am I so angry that they didn't come? 96 years of living, and she didn't see her grandchildren often. At first it was her husband, He wanted this and wanted that, and it didn't include sharing her with them. Then when she needed them in her life they were grown and not willing to repair the hurt of yesterdays. It wasn't her fault, she gave what she could when she could, but an overbearing husband with love only for her, made her life difficult. I was blessed to have so much of her in my life, daily for the past seven years. through the good and the bad. This was my gift from her, the stories, the laughter, and then the tears and loss of her. I knew this day would come, I just thought it wouldn't happen. Funny, things are never quite what they seem.
The house is quiet now, very quiet. No shuffle of feet in the wee hours to the bathroom, No coughs or toss or turns in her bed. No Thursday outing to the hair salon, or lunch after. The routine had become mundane, but now I miss it with all my heart. Seeing her in her hometown, reliving her joy through the twinkling of her eyes. She didn't speak much these latter years, but you could see the stories in her eyes.
Opening boxes of treasures from the past creates imaginative thoughts of how they were worn, when they were bought, and who saw them first. Costume jewelry that was only a few dollars are now far more than that. Looking up china values for beautiful china sets creates a crazy number, and then to know there are TWO sets, makes my head spin. I was left all these items because I loved her. And I still love her.
She was tricky, the hospice nurse said 24 to 36 hours left and Nana said well, lets make it four. Her eyes were open for a minute, then closed, a look of peace and serenity upon her face, One more moment of open eyes and then her last exhale. I miss her so. I didn't cry right at first, and I haven't yet. Its almost been a week and I have started to go through things and put values on them and one afternoon has made my head swim. Three thousand dollars worth of bone china, and that is just the place settings. Vintage statues, antique typewriters, sewing machines, steamer trunks full of long forgotten treasures. Jewelry so old, I couldn't even imagine the person who wore it, let alone when it was created. Art and so many little figurines from world travels, money from each stop of the ship. Furs, who wears fur nowadays, well there are two of those too. Many boxes have yet to be opened and I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of what might be next. Shoehorns with advertising on the, fifteen dollars value! Anchor bottle openers, old milk bottle openers, straight razors, first "new" safety razors, watches, bric-a-brack, so much I had to stop. Looking for makers marks on each item tiny writing that says who made them. So many rosaries my head spins, and who knows how old some of them are. Crucifixes that scare me. I have never been fond of Jesus on a stick, items so holy and revered I have no idea what to do with them. So many things. What a collection of life.
I would so much rather have HER than all this stuff, but it does give me a glimpse of the Nana before me. Her younger days. Smiling photographs, love letters from her husband while he was at war. How can I just throw them in the trash? I can't, but where do they go? Her grandchildren have not been a part of her life in the last fifteen years except for holidays and when they weren't too busy. seems these past 15 years they have been rather busy, and after her son, my husband, died I can count on one hand how many visits were made by them. Now that she has passed on, graduated from this life they will come. Vultures looking for the kill. I want this, that should be mine, how do I look at them without contempt and anger? Why should they get a piece of her that they didn't care about in life? Why am I so angry that they didn't come? 96 years of living, and she didn't see her grandchildren often. At first it was her husband, He wanted this and wanted that, and it didn't include sharing her with them. Then when she needed them in her life they were grown and not willing to repair the hurt of yesterdays. It wasn't her fault, she gave what she could when she could, but an overbearing husband with love only for her, made her life difficult. I was blessed to have so much of her in my life, daily for the past seven years. through the good and the bad. This was my gift from her, the stories, the laughter, and then the tears and loss of her. I knew this day would come, I just thought it wouldn't happen. Funny, things are never quite what they seem.
The house is quiet now, very quiet. No shuffle of feet in the wee hours to the bathroom, No coughs or toss or turns in her bed. No Thursday outing to the hair salon, or lunch after. The routine had become mundane, but now I miss it with all my heart. Seeing her in her hometown, reliving her joy through the twinkling of her eyes. She didn't speak much these latter years, but you could see the stories in her eyes.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Please explain
I feel the need to write, to get things out of my brain and onto paper for future recollection and digestion.
LIFE IS NOT FAIR.
Why did I think it was? Why did I believe for one simple moment that it would play nice and let everyone else think this true? Polly Anna strikes again!
My 96 year old mother-in-law, mom, also referred to as Nana, lies in the room next to mine and is actively dying. WHAT THE HELL? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?? Life again, not just one moment in time. My brain cannot wrap this into sense, or accept it. Death is a part of living. I don't want to be a part of that living. Common sense dictates I accept this. Okay, okay, I get it. But to have this be the sixth person I have helped in the last stages in life is one of those WHAT THE HELL moments! Hey God, I went to school to become a school teacher. My goodness not this. Good golly this isn't the vocation or calling I thought I would have. SIX PEOPLE!!!! Why has this been chosen for me???
First my friends mother. Okay I thought I was there for my friend. More like standing proxy for her until her mother's last breath. Then I loved a man who just up and died because of his prior lifestyle. Dead, whisked away before my very eyes. My mother, the woman who birthed me, who was my best friend. Ugh, dies. First I was told a week. Doctors don't know shit. Six months later she took her last breath. I was there. I had been through her illness with her. Grace had allowed me to be one of the people who physically cared for her. Another piece of my heart a big, huge piece of my heart. Okay, that makes three. Three people. I can mostly accept that because I was growing older, and people leave their bodies for the next adventure. They graduate from an Earthly body into the next step of their journey. Society says as you get older, this happens more often. Okay probably true, but three is a lot for a person by age forty-two. Most of my friends try to placate my feelings with their logic. It is MY personal journey, the words are hollow to me. Number four was my father-in-law, he was older and not healthy, so it was sad, but I understood that one. FOUR people. FOUR! Was this a preparation fr number five? Maybe because the fifth person was my husband. Oh we walked that together, from first initial diagnosis of sir, you have two tumors in your brain, to the words inoperable brain cancer. I was losing the person I waited 40 years to meet, my curmudgeon, my world. Fourteen months of watching him decline physically as well as emotionally. Seeing him lose his spirit, all of his passion. From avid enjoyment of the great outdoors, fishing, hiking, riding his bicycle to staring out the window feeling broken. Denied. He said he'd waited forever to find me too. Shit. Gone too.
LIFE IS NOT FAIR.
Why did I think it was? Why did I believe for one simple moment that it would play nice and let everyone else think this true? Polly Anna strikes again!
My 96 year old mother-in-law, mom, also referred to as Nana, lies in the room next to mine and is actively dying. WHAT THE HELL? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?? Life again, not just one moment in time. My brain cannot wrap this into sense, or accept it. Death is a part of living. I don't want to be a part of that living. Common sense dictates I accept this. Okay, okay, I get it. But to have this be the sixth person I have helped in the last stages in life is one of those WHAT THE HELL moments! Hey God, I went to school to become a school teacher. My goodness not this. Good golly this isn't the vocation or calling I thought I would have. SIX PEOPLE!!!! Why has this been chosen for me???
First my friends mother. Okay I thought I was there for my friend. More like standing proxy for her until her mother's last breath. Then I loved a man who just up and died because of his prior lifestyle. Dead, whisked away before my very eyes. My mother, the woman who birthed me, who was my best friend. Ugh, dies. First I was told a week. Doctors don't know shit. Six months later she took her last breath. I was there. I had been through her illness with her. Grace had allowed me to be one of the people who physically cared for her. Another piece of my heart a big, huge piece of my heart. Okay, that makes three. Three people. I can mostly accept that because I was growing older, and people leave their bodies for the next adventure. They graduate from an Earthly body into the next step of their journey. Society says as you get older, this happens more often. Okay probably true, but three is a lot for a person by age forty-two. Most of my friends try to placate my feelings with their logic. It is MY personal journey, the words are hollow to me. Number four was my father-in-law, he was older and not healthy, so it was sad, but I understood that one. FOUR people. FOUR! Was this a preparation fr number five? Maybe because the fifth person was my husband. Oh we walked that together, from first initial diagnosis of sir, you have two tumors in your brain, to the words inoperable brain cancer. I was losing the person I waited 40 years to meet, my curmudgeon, my world. Fourteen months of watching him decline physically as well as emotionally. Seeing him lose his spirit, all of his passion. From avid enjoyment of the great outdoors, fishing, hiking, riding his bicycle to staring out the window feeling broken. Denied. He said he'd waited forever to find me too. Shit. Gone too.
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