Middle of July, I met a guy. He scooped me off my feet and straight onto my back. Wait, I wasn't always on my back. We were all over the place. It was great fun. All of it. A lesson learned. Well, a few lessons, and not many were learned in the boudoir. I picked ten things I learned:
Number One- I can feel happy, giddy, ecstatic, as well as all the other stuff that you feel when you're first in a relationship. I still desire the mushy stuff. Yes! I thought that emotional stuff passed with Dennis. It didn't because I fell fast and hard. I want those feelings to endure and not fall into the complacency of a relationship.
Number Two- I can still feel the pain of things ending too fast. But that is how the whole affair began, too fast. The first date "I love you," began the whole spin out of control (he said that, not me). All those hours texting, talking, arm in arm. Then to hear, "I don't want you to get the wrong idea, and this has NOTHING to do with you or your affliction, but I need to take care of my WIFE." WHAT the HELL!?!? Did I hear WIFE? Did I see it in that Dear Jane e-mail? Oh hell I ignored those initial red flags that intuition was waving in my face. I ignored every single one, hoping for the best (Polly Anna go straight to hell. Do not pass go, or collect $200).
Did I mention that HE HAS A WIFE??? Okay, here is what I thought and had been told by him. He was divorcing. Ummm, he was thinking about it, sure, but she had the papers, she was in control. Oh hell she's always been in control once they started their "thing." I forgot. She is an addict. Prescription drugs. Enough of an addict that she told him to leave and literally threw him out for another man with pills. Over and over. And he went. Over and over. But prior to all her anger the were stints of rehab, with her saying I am good, and then him finding the damn drugs not two days later hidden. That could have been a slap in the face for him, had he not had the depth of feeling for her. Wait. It is codependency. Anyhow he told me it had been over 1 1/2 years since they were together. Oh until he called her and she was sad, or something. Then SHE called him a few weeks later and asked, "Will you pick me up from the hospital?" Of course he did, and WHAM I am out the door. Gone from his existence. No longer a factor in his life. WHAT?
Number Three- Some men are seriously STOOPID. I cried for 45 minutes, but then got pissed off that I could be thrown in the dumpster just like that. Hmmm... he was down the mountain that's what he wrote. Intuition said go see. So I did. The son-of- good parents was LYING. Fucker. Can't say SOB or bastard, he is neither. So what I hadn't taken home a week earlier was quickly put into my car, and he was panicked. Ha I looked up and saw he had put his wife in the car thinking I was going to flip and go bat shit crazy. I didn't. I wanted to, but I realized his circus, his monkey. I wasn't going there with him, because there was no place to go. I did wave and smile, and then went on about my business of retrieving my belongings. I made him have lot's of 'splaining to do and I hope it wasn't easy, but it was probably just that. He spun lies to me, and I figure he could twist things to tell his wife anything. Did he really think I would just wait to be contacted? I listened to that for three days and then said I had enough.
Number Four- I wasn't over it until today. Okay, maybe yesterday. I think I am writing this out to confirm it, console myself, and build me back up. Yeah, that's it. I'm done feeling for him. He was my first thought in the morning. Even BEFORE coffee and that says a lot!
Number Five- I still have the libido of a 20 something woman in heat. I wore him out. I sent him places he had never been, more than once. Betcha he will remember that. It's nice to learn I can still accomplish that.
Number Six- Although I want to say screw you to him, I can't. I won't. I know what life is like to be in such a twisted relationship. I was married to a druggie until I had had enough. I figure the whole point of life is love, and love doesn't fit into me being stupid and doing things I would immediately regret. Revenge does, and I am not seeking that to be a part of my life. I want love. Peace. Serendipity. No bullshit, no games. Period.
Number Seven- Life does indeed go on, and friends are a great way to realize it wasn't me in this mess. It was his poor choice in telling me all that hooey. Friends said to me I was worthy of more. Better. He was a stepping stone back into a world I have not tread for 20 years. Holy smokes there are still more jerks than princes out there and I am not kissing anymore frogs. I won't jump into a relationship either no matter the sweet talk that I crave. I think it was saccharin, fake sweet.
Number Eight- I am not alone. Strange happenings. Eagles and hawks. Hummingbirds. Shooting stars. Took me long enough to realize those were signs from people who care for me that now are in the Great Mystery.
Number Nine- I miss my husband and everything about him. Maybe I miss the security and complacency.
Number Ten- I will survive and grow from this as I have, and move on into all this new stuff. It has strengthened my resolve to be a better ME and that's it. No playing or participating in the bullshit games even adults play. I still live by that Golden Rule, and I am sticking to it. I need to understand myself better and finish that before I am ready for anything else. I have a little list in expectations- Trust, truth, honesty and respect. Oh an ability to keep up with me in the sack, because I think that is waaaaaaaaaaaaay delicious and wonderful, and I want that physical connection. Every day. Maybe twice a day. Haven't had an opportunity for that in years, but I'd like to see. Anyhow back to me surviving. I don't want to just survive I want to thrive!
Other happenings, I had another birthday I survived. My eldest was in the hospital, and he was discharged on my birthday. Cool beans of a gift!
I will survive the heart burn of bad things. I will revel in the joy of good things. I will give prayers of gratitude for waking up each day. I will continue to seek out the positive, loving aspects of life and leave the rest of that stuff behind.
that's enough.
Peace, love, and more peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment