Some Things Never Change

WHY?

I thought that when you left a place,  people would be different wherever you landed. I am different.  But jerks are jerks all over this country.

Maybe it's because so many things have happened.  I haven't posted or written in THREE YEARS. That's a long time. Very long time.

Meet somebody new, they seem very kind. Ha, snake in sheep clothing. Just another frog in the the pond of life.

People are more and more like an unevolved type of creature instead of having compassion and understanding for others. It's all about the me me me ideal. The consumerist,  what will you do for me if I do for you. Wonder how some people who keep score figure whether to offer their seat or open a door for a person.  Stating their charity and compassion for others when they are actually keeping track so they can say I helped you 47 times in the name of charity, grace; but you only helped me ten times. Who knew there was a tally sheet?

I don't understand people. I don't understand how things can go so very badly in just one swift move. Depression sucks. Mania sucks. Oh wait, maybe its just that my life does, or I do, or all of this has been a really long testing nightmare of how life isn't supposed to be,

uhoh. It is life. my life. and the only one who can lay claim to the yuck is me. I create it. I bring it.

I'm so done. just done. over it. finished with it. the baloney needs to stop. I need to stop. I need to be back on track. what the heck is that? Back on track? What track? Who am I ?

Too hard to think. too hard to care. I just give up.

Two days before Christmas,  and life is totally insane. People demanding time, people expecting 100% of my time, leaving my priorities at the bottom of the barrel. I'm not alone in this either. Can we hold off for another 2 weeks before  Christmas?

Nope. It comes when it comes. No time out for real life. Bugger that.

Texting, the new evil.

Words. The one thing that makes us different is that we use words. Oh the power of the spoken word. The learning that comes from the written word. Books written to teach. Books written to inspire. Books written for escape from the here and now. Books use words that are unknown to some, so we learn new things from them.

Today, words are written in blogs, e-mails, texts. Moments of writing what's immediately on our mind without the thought of them being seen as literal. Words used in venting, nothing more. An absolute stranger may read the words and see something completely different than the intent. We have forgone the spoken word in conversing, and now people text.

What happened? Why do we not talk? Where did civility go? Where did the fact that things need to be spoken to be understood when it comes to conversations? My friend told me I will not text with you because what I read may not be what you are thinking. He made a valuable point. When we read the words of others, we think in our context, not the one they may have used when it was written. so many things misunderstood, so many things interpreted incorrectly. So many errors. So many problems stemming from the written words in texts.

About a week ago, I forgot my phone. I had no password protection, no security. My son picked it up and read every text I had written to friends and people I talk to. I had written things I felt, things that were a vent, and nothing more. When read, they were comprehended as literal. Then other people were told of my private texts. My venting of a situation that has no outcome other than heartache for those involved. Yet, the words were read by others. People who would think the worst, hope for the worst as to turn it into something prosperous for them. Words that were private, emotions that were shared. Thought that were fleeting, nothing like a television show that would HAPPEN, just words because of an impossible situation.

Just a lesson learned. As a friend said, "You better taste those words before you say them, you just might have to eat them." Texted words didn't taste as I was typing, but to eat them, well they taste like shit.

Lesson learned. Do not freely express myself in texts.

Saturday Night

 Saturday night and I ain't got nobody....

Nah, I got somebody and I am finally relaxing. I can let go and not worry. Just go. After a 12 year marriage with a man who didn't want me out of his sight to letting go of learned behaviors is great. I can say see ya, and not worry about it. 

The kids were asleep. They woke up about 20 minutes ago and are cooking. Fun, I just cleaned the kitchen and I guess I'll be doing it again. I scrubbed the crap out of the kitchen and made it the way I wanted it. Finally.

Granddaughter is asleep too. We had a great morning together, took the guy to work (taking back reins on oh sure, use me and my car), and then went to breakfast together. She is four. And a terrorist. So good at two and three, and now she is a terror!

The guy. He left, well completely bugged out in August but came back when the youngest threatened and then tried to kill me. I thank God for that one. He still has a lot of his things at his Mom's house, and another place, but slowly they are coming home. We said we'd take it slow. Well.... Much more communication, much more talking. Much more communication. Did I mention he has a JOB???? Oh that says a lot to me. Why? Because he is putting money into the house. Not me doing it all. That says a lot. He is still a goof ball with the attention span of a gnat at times, but he is also caring, comforting, and what I want for now. I am accepting tomorrows are never promised. Not quite all the way there, but working on it.

Things are slowly changing here, from hospice 101 to a form of normalcy of having a home of my own. For now. Again. Who knows what will happen with the death of Nana. people get weird with death. Me, I'm good. If shit hits the fan, I'm ducking!

Today has been a day of anxiety, to the point I asked the guy to listen to my heart to see if it is going too fast. I am unsure of why. This too shall pass.

OH MY GOSH- I grew a 10 pound pumpkin and a damn huge watermelon! Oh there were other things in the garden but those stupid cabbage moths invaded and most of the garden went to heck in a hand basket. there is still one more pumpkin out there and two watermelons, plus carrots and chili plants galore growing. I need to pull up all the other stuff, and kill the bugs then miracle grow the plants that are left. I'm going to go and weigh the watermelon, take a picture? and post it. 

Pumpkin too...

Random thoughts

Funny how a month slides by before you even know it.
like a breeze in the wind, so many people lose their health, gain new perspectives, and others move on.

Curious about men. one week so loving and attentive, and the next you wonder if they even notice you. still curious. talking leads to hurt feelings, misunderstandings and finally drama. For once I can say it wasn't me! i feel like a tool, but at this point of the game of life,the adventure is wearing thin.

I love this person, but have to remember that I cannot change them, at all. isn't happiness about change? from a single entity cruising through, and then meting someone who makes two better?

Enough.

My eldest son is really enjoying rotations in medical school. I miss him. I miss family. When did we become so self absorbed that traditions are thrown to the wayside for loneliness? Where did Sunday dinner go? Checking in on any given day to say hello, how are you? I dread Christmas and the quickly approaching holidays.

How I wish I could turn back time. Impossible. Brain is being seriously effected by medication. Still alone in this bed. Funny how people return to type, even when they say they've grown. Maybe it is me who has refused to move forward.

Time for goodnight and sweet dreams.

Peace love and joy.

Another year passed

Tomorrow I will be 55. HOLY SHIT where did time go? I feel like I'm 100 in body, 20 in brain, mind and spirit. Fifty-five!

Milestone, yes. Miracle? Oh so probably!

The next years are the best to come. I HOPE SO!!!

Happy birthday to me, I'd like to live in a tree. make someone happy, happy birthday to me!

This past year has been quite a learning experience. Youngest son tried to kill me twice. Yes, seriously. That is something to learn from. 96 year old mother in law took her last breath a few days ago. Another learning experience. Found a guy, lost the guy, then got him back. Put my crazy aside and we're doing pretty good, all things considered. Granddaughter is now four. Other two moved away and I miss them every stinking single day. All my girlies. I was blessed with granddaughters because I had sons. Whew, I'm glad they're my grands, I would die to think of having three girls now. I'd need big guns for the boys that will want to come a dating them. They're all so cute, beautiful and wonderful. Maybe I'll tell their parents the girls can date when they're 40. I sure want to see health records, school records and all kinds of reports- even credit reports of any teen that wants to date my grandgirls.

Fifty five years on this giant hunk of living rock that travels around the sun. I am hoping for another one. Who knows what will happen?