From our first breath at life, our last breath will come. All we breathe in between is our life.

Do we merely inhale and exhale and have an existence?  Or do we really breathe and live this gift? The choice is ours.

I would like to believe I breathe. There are days though, that I merely inhale and exhale. Then there are days I wonder why I even bother. Those are the worst days. Thank God the sun continues to rise in the morning and a new day begins.

Why write tonight? Things again are changing and I wonder what life will become. Inhaling and exhaling, or breathing.

Breathing to me, means that the good and bad. Days filled with the sweet perfume of life, the giggle of a little child, the blossom of a rose. Falling up and being giddy with the breath of fresh air. Falling into the arms of someone you love. Having them fall back into yours. Loving so hard that it at times, hurts. Trying to be a rock of support only to be crushed by one swift blow to the heart. Hearing words that are so untrue, but then so true to the mouth that speaks them. Hard times. Losing the person and people that mean the most. Knowing that those are faces and breath that will never be felt or seen again in the space of breathing. That seeing them again depends on faith. Faith  in a power greater than oneself. Faith that love is eternal, and you again will see those who have gone on into the Great Mystery before you.

Breathing means the tears of all emotion. Joy of seeing that little person outside of you at birth. Tears of happiness when you find the person you've been waiting for all your life. Tears of glee when you get something done that was previously thought impossible. Teas of anger at injustice, and knowing that justice may never be served. Tears then of sorrow. Losing friends to simple mistakes, poor communication, Tears of sadness at passing milestones you've set for yourself and knowing you can never come back. Losing the things you love. Unconditional support. Unconditional love. These things bring tears to my eyes. Feeling judged without explanation by people who don't even know you. Uncertain tears. The tears of fears in the moments of your life. Will I see that person again? Will they be the same or someone who was. Tears of sheer horror at knowing life will never be what you live. It can and does change in an instant, and how we breathe through the times we feel we cannot take another breath.

Breathing is giving yourself without worry of the outcome. Inhaling and exhaling is not caring or accepting the changes.

Breathing is feeling. Feeling all of it. Every single moment. Inhaling and exhaling is not accepting the feelings. Not being true to yourself, or the people in the circle of your world.

I have always tried to breathe in the good, and out the bad. Sometimes it feels like I swallow the bad and don't exhale it. When that happens I carry the bad along with me, and it holds me back. Pushes me down. Niggles at my soul, my spirit, my breathing. Living a lie is another thing that pulls. Trying to protect those you love from facing the truth of their life in never saying the truth to other people who care. Covering up feelings with the hope that truth will come, and that person will realize what they are only inhaling and exhaling. Especially when you believe that if they breathe, they will learn to feel again, and maybe tears of joy will encircle their eyes. My own tears when the truth says, you cannot pull or push another to their own truth.

It seems that I had only been inhaling and exhaling, thinking I was breathing. Moving through each day, with a decision that this simple existing will turn into breathing. Failing to see the shortened breath around me. Thinking that this is good, like homeostasis.  Not changing. Simple, the same. Then that shortened breath decided to take stage, front and center. It demands I breathe again, albeit the outcome may not be what I want. Time to feel, feel real things again. Unfortunately, the breathing may be torment. Loss. Pain. Loss of all that I know and hope for by faith must come again. Knowing that should be consolation.

Existing doesn't allow pain. But existing only means going through each day without feeling. Just being in a shell, inhaling and exhaling. Breathing means being a part of all. Living. I think I will breathe