My last post was July 28. Wow a lot of things have happened since then. I usually whine about my children and my life. I should have been more grateful.
Dennis came home from the hospital and things went south. He passed from his mortal body into the Great Mystery on August 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm. My head was on his chest, my arms around him when he took his last breath, and his heart took it last beat. How I miss my husband. I miss him snoring. I miss the clicking of his wheelchair. I miss him barking at the dogs, whistling to them, making coffee, griping at the remote.
I miss dealing with the damn cancer even. I long for his scent, his voice, just him. My house is unusually quiet. Everyone has left now. The Celebration of Life last night was beautiful. I spoke about our journey together, and how he touched my life and together our how we grew in love and fought through the muck and mud together.
I wish I could see him now, all energy and light, I wish I could see his gait in the great beyond. No limp from arthritic knees, no pain from any ailment he held. He can climb those mountains without being in pain, fish in every stream and laugh at every babble of the brook. Sunsets and sunrises are beyond compare and he can see them without glasses, and there are no headaches or limitations. I just so miss him, and look forward to the day we are together again.
I just wonder how I am going to go through all this widowhood stuff. Lawyers, paperwork, death certificates, moving assets, trustee names, all the things that are on the list in the little notebook. I cannot fathom all this. I think we should have done this six months ago. Ah even as an ill adult you think you are invincible. Whoops.
I had a circle of friends swoop in after Dennis died to be my comfort my shield from everything that wasn't good, from people I couldn't face in my grief. My shield left tonight and now I have to stand on my own two feet and I still feel wobbly and afraid. Like a foal new to the world, I am weak and looking for my protection but it is gone and I am here to fend for myself. My children are here to help, but there is no one I connect with on such a level as my sweet husband. No one who can look into my eyes and see my soul. My friends understood my pain, they could connect with my scattered brain, my confusion and grief. Now I have to face that without their hand to hold shoulder to cry on, chest to cave into.
This is harder than I imagined. I know I won't linger in the sadness forever, but right now it feels like it will never end, and the headache I have will just continue for always.
My heart feels like it beats hollow, without reason, without a song. It does beat, for my children, to watch them reach their life long goals and dreams, for my grandchild, to hear her say gama, for my mother in law, to help her face this too, and for my husband because he wouldn't want me to be this sad. But right now I hurt and I long for his breath, his touch, and that smile.
Time for sleep, so I may face another day to carry on and take care of this journey and another step in the road called life.
